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Sunday, January 27, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Poly Problems

Posted by on Sun, Jan 27, 2013 at 10:06 AM

Originally published on October 4, 2007:

I am a bisexual female in a polyamorous relationship with a bisexual male. We are each other's primary. We are friends with a lesbian couple. The older member, to whom I am attracted, lets the younger member, to whom I am not attracted, have other partners. The older member is not interested in outside contacts herself. The younger member is definitely interested in me, but I spend my social time with this couple thinking about banging the older member.

I am very conflicted about how to proceed. I have a hunch the older member is attracted to me, but doesn't have the nerve to make a move. I am open to the possibility of a three-way. What is my best course of action here?

Pretty Older Ladies, Yessir!

My response after the jump...

You probably like to think of yourself as a brave sexual adventurer, POLY, seeing as you're all bi and poly and shit. And there you are socializing with intergenerational lesbian couples—man, you are living life on the edge! Pushing the antelope! Creating dynamic new relationship structures! You are bi poly woman—hear you rawr!

Sorry, POLY, but I've fried oysters with more spine. You write that the older member of the lesbian couple doesn't have the "nerve to make a move." Where's your nerve? Attracted to the older member? Tell her. Not into the younger member? Tell her. Open to the possibility of a three-way with both members? Tell 'em. The last thing the world needs is another all-talk-no-action polyamorous braggart. You're doing poly wrong, POLY, when you spend more time diagramming your sexual relationships than you do having sexual relationships.


Comments (23) RSS

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Urgutha Forka 1
"Pushing the antelope" is my new favorite typo.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on January 27, 2013 at 10:29 AM · Report this
And you definitely know you're doing it rong when you spend more time figuring out what relationship graphing software would be most optimal to chart out all the various connections in your extended polycule(s).
Posted by dianasquiver on January 27, 2013 at 10:31 AM · Report this
you have had yourself fixed, haven't you?

it would be criminally negligent for you to ever spawn, under any circumstances.

otherwise, no one really gives a shit what convoluted perversions you engage in.....

Posted by Welcome to Gommorah on January 27, 2013 at 10:37 AM · Report this
Knat 4
@1: It's not a typo, it's the newest kinky sexual trend. I guess you haven't heard of it. [adjusts horn rim glasses]
Posted by Knat on January 27, 2013 at 10:43 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 5
@1 - Pushing the antelope is illegal in most states. Not Utah, though.
Posted by MacCrocodile on January 27, 2013 at 10:50 AM · Report this
This isn't only cowardice, it's also "poly" as cover for being an asshole. "Gee, should I fuck the unattractive 1/2 of this lesbian couple in the hopes that it might land me in bed with the other 1/2?"

Opportunist douchebag = opportunistic douchebag. Nothing poly about it.
Posted by maddy811 on January 27, 2013 at 11:05 AM · Report this
J-Haxx 7
OMG, funniest response in weeks! Thanks for the morning chuckle Dan!
Posted by J-Haxx on January 27, 2013 at 11:12 AM · Report this
seatackled 8

The print edition of the Stranger used to instruct readers who wanted back issues to send a self-abused stomped antelope along.

Now, be a deer and run along. . .
Posted by seatackled on January 27, 2013 at 11:25 AM · Report this
I'd be grateful if any poly expert could explain the point of (even considering) having sex with someone to whom you are not attracted - is that supposed to flatter said someone?
Posted by truck on January 27, 2013 at 11:29 AM · Report this
ArtBasketSara 10
Self-abused antelope stomping! How 2007...
Posted by ArtBasketSara on January 27, 2013 at 11:29 AM · Report this
Part of being successfully poly is being able to process your feelings about multiple people quickly and effectively, and communication is key in all of that. Even I know that, and I am one of those monogamous outliers that Dan likes to pretend is unnatural.
Posted by treehugger on January 27, 2013 at 11:33 AM · Report this
Overthinking it may not be "doing poly right", but it sure is "doing poly typical".
Posted by dchari on January 27, 2013 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 13
Doing poly rong should also include not fucking up existing coupled relationships just because you don't like who's available but prefer the one who's out of bounds. Oh ... no pouting or sulking either.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on January 27, 2013 at 11:54 AM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 14
6, she did specify 'I'm attracted to', not 'the more attractive.' Nothing in her letter does she imply that one woman is more objectively attractive than the other. Who knows what makes this woman more desirable, maybe she's a welder, has a dry sense of humor, or has read every single 19th C. Russian novel.

Or maybe the younger woman just likes the push antelopes around. Being the big bully that she is.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on January 27, 2013 at 12:03 PM · Report this
Poly or not, if you find yourself trying to justify breaching the well stated boundaries of another person/couple is doing ethics wrong.
Posted by wxPDX on January 27, 2013 at 12:26 PM · Report this
@3: I'm glad to know that you'll never breed, ever.

They're dumb, but you're a very bad person and your genetic material's restricted to the tissues in yo momma's basement.
Posted by what a loser on January 27, 2013 at 12:41 PM · Report this
@15 raises a good point. I would think one of the keys to making poly a more socially accepted arrangement is to scrupulously observe all apparent boundaries. It's the difference between "Chris and I are poly, which works for us" and "Chris and I are poly, and we want to have sex with you! You thought we knew you weren't into that? It's because you're OPPRESSED by societal norms and, anyhow, I just wanted you to know that I fantasize about you. Expecially in a velociraptor costume. Because I am open about my sexuality, and don't hide it." It's an excellent way to become the poly person who causes people to flee both you and any other polys.

This is actually tying in a little to the previous swim cap thread: the difference between noticing and appreciating and fantasizing about someone, and feeling that you have to make them aware of what you're doing.
Posted by IPJ on January 27, 2013 at 1:05 PM · Report this
1. Don't fuck the one you aren't attracted to.
2. Don't fuck the one who isn't attracted to you.
How hard is that?

Seriously, you have said, bluntly, that the older one isn't into outside contacts. Judging by the tone of your letter I'd bet good money that she isn't into you ... you just think she is, because, hey, you're so cool so she must be hot for you because in your mind, who isn't?

Everything in your letter, including wording and cadence, reminds of a girl I knew in undergrad who was certain I was gay. I wasn't the slightest bit interested in banging her and only gay guys didn't wanna bang her, ergo ....
Posted by seeker6079 on January 27, 2013 at 1:44 PM · Report this
You'll notice as you grow into adulthood that sometimes you'll be attracted to people you can't have, for whatever reason. Maybe almost all the time. That's just how it is. I think the rest of us just smile and go on with our day.
Posted by pox on January 27, 2013 at 2:21 PM · Report this
MythicFox 20
This girl's giving me flashbacks of when I read manga.

"Oh, all these girls like me, but the one I'm really attracted to seems to hate me! What do I dooooooo?"
Posted by MythicFox on January 27, 2013 at 3:06 PM · Report this
nocutename 21
As the Rolling Stones said, you can't always get what you want. Even when you're a bi woman in a poly relationship with a bi man, wanting to be with a lesbian who doesn't want you and fending off the lesbian who does. I think you must have thought that with all those different non-normative factors you'd somehow be immune from something so boringly frustrating. Sorry.
Posted by nocutename on January 27, 2013 at 3:50 PM · Report this
seandr 22
@10: I know, seems like a gazellion years ago.
Posted by seandr on January 27, 2013 at 4:23 PM · Report this
sirkowski 23
Maybe senpai will notice me.
Posted by sirkowski on January 27, 2013 at 9:23 PM · Report this

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