Polyamory is having its pop-culture/mainstreaming moment and sex writer, speaker, researcher and polyamory advocate Andrea Zanin, a.k.a. Sex Geek, isn't impressed:
Polyamory is resolutely presented in the media as a thing heterosexuals do, except sometimes for bisexual women who have a primary male partner and secondary female partners. It is exceedingly rare for lesbian, gay or queer poly configurations to be included in mainstream representations of polyamory, even though LGBQ circles are absolute hotbeds of polyamorous activity, and LGBQ people have a long and illustrious history of non-monogamy, recent enthusiasm about marriage notwithstanding. Go to just about any LGBQ gatheringâeven the most mainstreamâand you canât swing a cat without hitting at least half a dozen people who are doing some sort of non-monogamy, from regular âmonogamishâ bathhouse adventures to full-on poly families. Itâs so common that it feels (gasp!) normal.
But if the mainstream media were to give too many column inches to LGBQ polyamory, then people might think poly is a gay thing, and that wouldnât sell nearly as many magazines. So the typical polynormative hype article goes something like, âMeet Bob and Sue. Theyâre a poly couple. Theyâre primary partners and they date women together.â Or âthey each date women on the sideâ or âthey have sex parties in their basementâ or sometimes, though more rarely, âBob dates women and Sue dates men.â Mainstream representations rarely break the âone penis per partyâ rule, which is exactly as offensive as it sounds. You donât get Bob dating Dave, or Sue dating Tim and Jim and John while Bob stays home with a movie. Because whoa! Thatâs just going too far. I mean, playing around with women is one thing, but if you bring a second man into the picture, donât the two guys need to, like, duke it out? Prove whoâs manlier? Because evolutionary psychology! Because nature! Because when there is a penis (and only one penis) involved it is real sex and that means a real relationship and we must have a real relationship to have a primary-secondary structure and we must have a primary-secondary structure to be a poly couple! (Hmm. So maybe this part does relate to my other three points after all.)
All of this creates a situation where polyamory is presented as a hip new trend that edgy straight folks are trying out, and boy, are they ever proud of it. Needless to say this whole framing varies from clueless about queers to downright offensive.
Andrea has lots of other insights into the way polyamorous relationships are being packaged and presented for the mainstream. Go read the whole thing.