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Friday, February 15, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: My Bi Guy

Posted by on Fri, Feb 15, 2013 at 5:30 PM

My guy and I have been together for about seven years, married for three. He came out to me as bisexual shortly before our first wedding anniversary. He's only been with a guy once (when he lost his virginity at age 13), and we've been together since we were 19, so he hasn't had much of a chance to experiment. He's explained that his attraction is purely sexual, and for the past couple years we've been trying out ways for him to explore his attraction to men within our marriage. (We watch twink porn together, we point out hot guys to each other, I use a strap-on.) There are days when it's a fun, kinky part of our relationship, but there are also days when he is overwhelmed with guilt that he's "a little bit gay." I know he's attracted to me, and we have sex several times a week, but I also know what he really wants is to know what it's like to hook up with a guy.

We read the 1/7/13 SL Letter of the Day together and your advice is something I'd already suggested—we need to have an open relationship so he can scratch that itch. The thing is, he's ashamed of his bisexuality (I'm the only one who knows) and he feels bad for wanting to cheat on me, and that guilt has made it impossible for him to make the move from fantasy to reality. It would be nice if we had a mutual friend who was gay or bi, but as it stands, there isn't anyone he trusts well enough to talk to about this. I'm a lot more outgoing than he is and have suggested initiating a threesome, but I don't think either of us really wants that. What we really need is to get him hooked up with a guy.

Do you have any advice for us?

Happily Married To A Sexually Frustrated And Closeted Bisexual

P.S. I am kind of hoping one of your readers turns out to be a hot twink interested in a no-strings-attached fuckfest with another hot twink.

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Let's talk about this first: "He's explained that his attraction is purely sexual..."

Like I said in my response to "Delusional, Unfaithful, Moronic Bisexual" on 1/7/13—and, just for the record, DUMB created his own sign off—I get in trouble whenever I mention that a lot of bisexuals guys out there are looking for male partners for sex only. It's something that gay people who are interested in same-sex partners sexually and romantically frequently butt up against—and it kindasorta contradicts the whole "bisexuals fall in love with people, not genitals" line that bisexual writers and activists like to toss around.

Some bisexuals do fall in love with people not genitals, I suppose, in that they're open to partners of either sex. (Forgive me for that casual reference to the gender binary. I'll try to drop in a trigger warning before I do something like that again.) But lots of bisexuals either can't fall in love with same-sex partners or won't allow themselves to. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized bi guy who isn't interested in dating men, only fucking them, whatever his reasons might be. But the gaslighting that goes on about this is really fucking annoying. Gay people who are frustrated or saddened by this phenomenon—fuck, gay people who are merely conscious of it—are constantly being told that we're biphobic. Which is insane. Because the gay guys who are most annoyed by this phenomenon are the ones who've been rejected by bi guys that they wanted to get romantically involved with. A desire to be with a bi guy romantically hardly seems biphobic.

I also get letters from bi guys who are looking for romantic relationships with other men who have themselves been rejected by other bi men who told them their same-sex attractions were "purely sexual." These rejected bi guys tell me they find the whole phenomenon annoying. Are they being biphobic?

Anyway, HMTASFACB, circling back to your husband....

The man you married doesn't sound like a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized bi guy. He sounds like a mess. He clearly struggles with shame and self-loathing. It's possible, of course, that he would feel exactly the same way about men that he does now even if he weren't "overwhelmed with guilt" about being "a little bit gay." But it's also possible that his disinterest in same-sex relationships is grounded in the same shame and self-loathing that leaves him feeling overwhelmed with guilt about his lust for hot twinks. Until your husband is more comfortable with his own sexuality—until he's less tormented by the homophobia he's internalized—we can't really know who or what he wants. He can't really know it. (It's also possible that he told you he's not interested in relationships with other men to set you at ease.)

It's a good sign—it's a great sign—that he's opened up to you about this. And he sure as fuck won the sex-and-love lottery when he married you, HMTASFACB. Not every woman would be as considerate or accommodating. I hope he appreciates you and I hope he's just as invested in your sexual pleasure and fulfillment as you are in his.

Most sex-advice perfeshanulls would tell your husband to wait until he's more comfortable with his bisexuality before acting on it. But I wasn't exactly comfortable with my homosexuality when I started acting on it. It was acting on my homosexuality that got more comfortable with it. So here's your letter, HMTASFACB, and here's hoping a hot twink reads it and volunteers to help your husband get more comfortable with his bisexuality. You might have better luck finding someone if you took out a personal ad on a gay dating or hookup site. If your husband posts a few pictures and tells the truth about himself—he's young, he's married, he's bisexual, he's inexperienced, his wife knows and is supportive (but doesn't want to watch)—I promise you he'll get plenty of responses from gay and bi men.

Finally, readers, HMTASFACB did send some pictures of her husband and I can verify that he's just as hot as she says he is. If you're a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized twink—gay or bi—and you wanna fuck some sense into HMTASFACB's husband, leave a message in the comments thread. HMTASFACB will be lurking.

 

Comments (44) RSS

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1
? I feel robbed. No photo
Posted by sher-bear on February 15, 2013 at 6:10 PM · Report this
emma's bee 2
This is one where a follow-up letter is a must.
Posted by emma's bee on February 15, 2013 at 6:16 PM · Report this
3
@1: You're kidding, right? He's only out to his wife. What if everyone in the world saw his picture?

That said, I was going to mention that it would at least be nice to know where he lives. I'd volunteer and all (being an out, self-actualized and experienced bi guy), but I'm not travelling across the country, no matter how hot the twink is.
Posted by gromm on February 15, 2013 at 7:02 PM · Report this
4
Having sex with a hot twink might help, but he really should be getting therapy. He seems to have a lot of shame and problems accepting himself, and that's an issue regardless of how it is affecting his sex life. I think he'd be happier if he could accept himself, and having sex might help with that, but I think a bit of outside professional help would be beneficial as well.
Posted by uncreative on February 15, 2013 at 7:05 PM · Report this
5
There are enough identities and ideologies in the world already whose practitioners keep having internal You're Doing It Wrong fights; one could consider it almost noble of Mr Savage to deflect potential criticism to himself.

The second part of the response was superb, the sort of answer that suggests the mysterious Fine Italian Hand behind it. My felicitations.
Posted by vennominon on February 15, 2013 at 7:44 PM · Report this
dangerousgift 6
You know, as an out, bisexual dude I really have to say it's not that unusual to want to fuck other dudes purely for sex just in the same way that it's not that unusual for a straight attached dude to want to fuck other girls purely for sex.

If someone tried to argue, "I am incapable of feeling love or other strong emotions for people of the same gender whom I enjoy fucking but DO feel love or other strong emotions for girls exclusively," well, then they would be the kind of person your readers freak out about. But who says that?
Posted by dangerousgift on February 15, 2013 at 8:27 PM · Report this
7
@6 Um as a gay guy I've had that said to me, other gay guys I know have heard similar. After the first time bi-guys who don't want relationships with gay guys are easy to sniff out, and often damn good fucks.

Re-read the first half of Dan's answer he address all that. Including that some bi-guys are into relationships with gay guys.

We are talking about SEX here shouldn't you leave all that "purity" shit at the door? "Purity" about what it means to be gay, christian, straight, jewish, bi, islamic, female, hindu, male, buddhist, and on and on, at the door. Its sex and relationships we are talking about, leave all the PURITY shit at the door, people are messy.
Posted by Machiavelli was framed on February 15, 2013 at 9:36 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 8
Ditto Dan re: bi's. It's damn annoying to hear from a 'bi' dude- "I love to fuck dudes, but man, I could only ever LOVE a woman", ie: taking the easy road to straightville. Same goes for 'bi' women who say they love another woman, only to jump back on a dick in a couple months because it's easier to blend with the crowd.
I never hear bi guys say "I love to fuck women, but man, I could only ever LOVE another dude".
Then the bisexuals all scream foul when anyone complains.
Posted by OutInBumF on February 16, 2013 at 12:08 AM · Report this
9
Bi woman here who enjoys dick but is only romantically attracted to women.

Look, each bi person is an individual. Why generalise? As for "screaming foul", I only get annoyed when people act like all (or at least most) bisexual people react the exact same way to things.
Posted by dreadnought07 on February 16, 2013 at 12:34 AM · Report this
10
I figure I'm guilty of "biphobia." I run away from openly bi guys, barely-closeted bi guys, closet cases who might be bi guys, etc, as quickly as I can. The last thing I want is to get emotionally involved with someone who has made the devil's bargain with themselves that sex with men is fine but emotional fulfillment isn't. Bisexual guys have no one but other bisexual guys to blame for reticence on the part of gay men.
Posted by Endash on February 16, 2013 at 1:12 AM · Report this
11
I always found the line of bisexuals that they want just sexual and not any kind of proper relationship with guys extremely offensive, insulting and pathetic.

So, they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.
Posted by Falcor on February 16, 2013 at 1:51 AM · Report this
12
'I never hear bi guys say "I love to fuck women, but man, I could only ever LOVE another dude".'

actually, #8 that is precisely where i am and have been for 10 years plus. i seem incapable of loving a woman in any meaningful way, but find myself in staring dreamy eyed at dudes on date two.

i have come to the conclusion i'm a gay dude that sleeps with women out of habit and availability, i should say did; that isn't fair to anyone. i basically abstain currently.

i don't see any legit reason the opposite couldn't be true.
Posted by enoch on February 16, 2013 at 2:49 AM · Report this
13
Most bisexuals are closeted gays anyway, just like Dan was.
There is a reason why people think bisexuality doesn't exist.

Posted by Falcor on February 16, 2013 at 5:43 AM · Report this
keksutaja 14
@8: So i'm currently a bi woman in a monogamous long-term relationship with another chick. before that i was a bi woman in mostly monogamish (ok, fine, I was cheating on some of them) shorter or longer relationships with dudes. And with some of these dudes and maybe even with this chick their biggest incomprehensible (for me) fear is that I should leave them for the other sex. Why is that worse that I should leave someone for the other sex? I understand that you can't really control your fears and emotions but why is it even logically (at least to some people) somehow better to jump from pussy to pussy and dick to dick than from pussy to dick to pussy again?
That's how being bi works for me - I have been with my chick for four years now, I haven't had any dick for that long and I sometimes fantasize about that. But I watch mostly lesbian porn. But then I read gay slash (lots of dick there). Should my relationship end I might get reaquainted with dick again.

Or I am just a CPOS that if I crave the genitals I'm no getting from my current relationship I'm gonna outsource them to scratch that itch because I haven't had any luck finding partners who are open to monogamish or open relationships.
Posted by keksutaja on February 16, 2013 at 5:52 AM · Report this
15
HMTASFACB - @4 is right. Plus a rarity, a non-troll unregistered comment!

Your hus would benefit from therapy as he has many issues to figure out -- not so much being bi, but the guilt & shame stuff.

And there is a chance he's so guilty / afraid because he's actually gay or is shifting more gay than before. See Lisa Diamond's research on sexual fluidity -- some people's orientations shift, not by choice, but with time. She studied women but it might happen for a few men too. If so, he might shift back. If you can live with that and enjoy being friends living together, no reason to break up. If you can't, then it wasn't forever but you had some good years, and you're both young. Good luck!
Posted by delta35 on February 16, 2013 at 6:17 AM · Report this
16
@10 -- gay gay who runs screaming from bi guys only into sex: OK, so you didn't say you "run screaming," just "run."

Well, you'll never meet the bi guys into loving men, will you? And you contribute to bi guys mostly into men keeping quiet about also liking women.

And, gee, some people, all orientations / genders, are only into sex / no LTRs. There are some commitment-phobic sex-only out gay guys.
Posted by delta35 on February 16, 2013 at 6:22 AM · Report this
Ophian 17
In a perfect world whenever any two [or more] people hook up, all parties would be clear about whether sex and/or love are on the table. Too bad we don't live in that world.

I agree that therapy [individual or couples] would be really helpful. Also a good queer bar, or other generally queer social space that he and she can go to together could help to normalize his anormative identity.

Oh, Falcor, so sad.

Also, Dan was pretty right on.

Also Also, no pictures?!
Posted by Ophian on February 16, 2013 at 8:55 AM · Report this
18
@HMTASFACB I'm also a woman married to a bisexual man. When my husband was a bit younger than your husband's age, he came out to me. We're both 34 now and have been together for 10 years, married for nearly seven.

You're already doing the best things you can be doing as his wife: being supportive and accepting of his sexual orientation and encouraging him to explore this part of himself. With my support and also therapy, my husband went from not knowing what his sexual orientation means for his life to having had same-sex sexual experiences (with my foreknowledge and blessing), confidently coming out as bi to his family and friends, and being part of a local bisexual social group. My husband also identifies as genderqueer and has begun expressing that part of himself openly as well.

What made a difference for him in getting this all sorted out was thinking of our toddler son: whatever sexual orientation and/or gender identity our son identifies with, we want our son to be content with himself. That means his dad has to be content with these aspects of himself too.

I'd be very happy to chat with you about this stuff more if you like. Cheers.
Posted by canada girl on February 16, 2013 at 8:59 AM · Report this
19
For the love of God, Dan, stop bringing up every letter that supports a badly-worded comment you made sometime in the past that upset somebody as evidence that nobody has a right to be pissed off at you, ever, amen. I've been reading your columns and letters for years, and you most definitely started out as a person saying "people with the capability to fall in love with people of more than one gender are the exception, not the rule". (I'd go dig up the letter where you said this in pretty much as many words, but I honestly don't have time. Maybe later.)

That's an unfair and unsubstantiated generalisation, and while I'm sure your heart was in the right place I honestly don't think that years later you should still be posting rants about how you got slapped with a reputation for being biphobic. It comes off as self-serving and whiny, and it helps your case precisely none.

(For the record, not that it should matter, I am saying this as a lesbian who is not romantically interested in dudes, never has been, and has never been sexually curious enough to want to do anything about it. But I'm just one human. There are billions of 'em out there, and they all function differently, and each group contains a subset of jerks whose jerkishness is sometimes projected onto other members of the group. THIS IS NOT NEWS. STOP IT.)
Posted by Rei on February 16, 2013 at 9:22 AM · Report this
20
@ 8 - What do you mean by "scream foul?" Do you mean say "Excuse me, but that's not the way that I feel" or do you mean something else? Because that's not the way that I feel. When I was younger I got butterflies in my stomach around women and men. But I married a man, so I guess that means that I "jumped on a dick" too. Does it mean that I am not attracted to the people I am attracted to? Does that invalidate who I am?

Look, this whole thing can be reuced to a simple numbers game.

Homosexual women are only attracted to other women. That means 100% of their potential partners are women who are attracted to women.

Heterosexual women are only attracted to men. That means 100% of their potential partners are men who are attracted to women.

Bisexual women are attracted to women and men. If we use the most generous estimates of what percent of the population is homosexual, that means that roughly 15% of our potential partners are women attracted to women and roughly 85% of our potential partners are men attracted to women.

Of course, add to that the fact that there are some lesbians who won't persue a relationship with a bi girl because she is "only [going] to jump back on a dick in a couple months" and you have one helluva self fulfilling prophecy on your hands.

But hey, as long as you get to be right, right?

I will say this, though: those bi folks Dan likes to mention, the ones who "fall in love with people, not genitalia?" Yeah, they piss me right the fuck off, too. That's a rude, horrible, dismissive thing to say. In fact, it's right up there with putting another person's sexuality in quotation marks.
Posted by MiscKitty on February 16, 2013 at 9:40 AM · Report this
21
Hey, HMTASFACB, if you guys are in the New England area, this twink will gladly help you and your twinky husband out.
Posted by willing to help on February 16, 2013 at 9:48 AM · Report this
22
I keep coming back to this line from the letter: "he feels bad for wanting to cheat on me."

She's commnicating with him about it, is open to being open, and supporting his desire to go git some. How is that cheating? Getting past that hangup, frankly, might help with getting past some of the others.
Posted by chorizo on February 16, 2013 at 10:20 AM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 23
I like what #9 Ms Dreadnought07 said, Why get one's panties in a bunch. When a Guy as sex with a Gal, he's Str8. When he has sex with a Guy, he's Gay. When he lives with a Gal, he's str8, when he lives with a Guy he's Gay. Trying to read people's heads and hearts is silly and not productive. I suggest we just look at how they live, with whom they live. If they want to call themselves bisexual that's fine, but how they behave says much much more about who they are.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on February 16, 2013 at 10:45 AM · Report this
eclexia 24
Dan-- What happened to your old advice of "hire an escort?" I thought it was sort of boilerplate.

The couple could look through Renboy together... that in itself would be good for a few months of hot sex after browsing. Eventually, bi husband could find the perfect dick attached to the perfect guy.

First "date", no penetration. Wife holds bi husband and plays with his body. Escort lets bi husband jack him off until he blows on husband's chest.

Escort leaves. Husband goes into post-orgasmic emotional hole for a few days, then gets horny again. Repeat. Each time, the bad post-coital feelings mellow out. Eventually, hes ready to stop with the escorts and actually find a guy.
Posted by eclexia on February 16, 2013 at 11:28 AM · Report this
Ophian 25
@20 So yes.

@23 So no.

@24 So hot.
Posted by Ophian on February 16, 2013 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Ophian 26
And for the record: I fall in love with genitals, not people.
Posted by Ophian on February 16, 2013 at 11:41 AM · Report this
27
What city? Hot twink in New Orleans here
Posted by Dan's Tulane friend who's obsessed with str8/bi guys on February 16, 2013 at 12:13 PM · Report this
eclexia 28
@26, are you in love with a dick? Or are you in love with being in love with a dick?
Posted by eclexia on February 16, 2013 at 12:53 PM · Report this
29
@23, if a single person is not living or having sex with another person, are they neither gay nor straight? I identify as bi even though I'm married to a guy, because I feel attracted to and dream about women as well as men. If I were not married, and I felt attracted to and dreamed about men, wouldn't you call me straight?
Posted by Violet415 on February 16, 2013 at 1:56 PM · Report this
30
I cant believe it took 20 comments for someone to agree to fuck him.
Posted by chi_type on February 16, 2013 at 2:26 PM · Report this
31
Uh, @23, that's not what I meant at all. I'm bi no matter who I'm fucking, I don't magically change orientation all the time.
Posted by dreadnought07 on February 16, 2013 at 3:49 PM · Report this
32
Sounds interesting if they're in Louisiana. There's a few of us gays who enjoy helping untie these kinds of knots.
Posted by Alphie on February 16, 2013 at 7:20 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 33
@22: Perhaps he wants her to have nothing to do with it? There's definitely some crossed wires going on here and he needs to know what's going on with himself before he can properly explain it to her.
Posted by undead ayn rand on February 16, 2013 at 8:54 PM · Report this
34
I always make sure to express from the get-go that I am interested in women as friends and potentially sex partners, not as romantic partners. It seems like this really should be common sense and empathy.

On the other hand...sometimes I wonder if it might not be a good idea to develop some kind of short hand to differentiate between those (rarer) bisexuals who are actually 50/50. I've been trying to coin the phrase "heteroqueer" to refer to people like myself and my husband, but it hasn't caught on, yet.
Posted by laurelgardner http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5877570 on February 17, 2013 at 10:04 AM · Report this
35
@20 - i don't think you can deduce the potential partners from someones orientation. i'm female bodied, but mostly attract 'str8-identified' women, and 'gay-identified' men....

and... for the record... i'm female, genderqueer; with one long-term male friend/lover, one long-term female friend/lover (both nearly two decades), and two kids. i'm mostly into women, and the occasional gay guy. i don't like to fall in love with anyone, ever. not because i have commitment issues(see above), but because i can't see the point. and it just looks like a mental health issue to me.
i don't identify as 'bi', partly because biology really isn't something i even consider when it comes to sexual partners - are they a good friend is more important... and partly because of the 'potential partners' assumptions that people make when one uses that term. as @20 did. my observation, in new zealand, is that there is a hetero-associated bi demographic, and a queer-community bi demographic (who you prob don't know are bi unless you ask...) and the two almost never meet. both are largely invisible, but both are in their appropriate cultural position, and tend to function according to the social expectations of that group.
Posted by sappho on February 17, 2013 at 2:38 PM · Report this
36
So where is the couple, Dan? I might be interested in helping out if they're in NYC. You know, because I'm that magnanimous. Not that they'd have any trouble finding a hot twink who wants to sleep with a married guy here...
Posted by TenrSinger on February 17, 2013 at 10:39 PM · Report this
37
This letter made me sad. The husband is a mess but I'm sorry, being a mess doesn't mean you get to drop the Bi-bomb AFTER getting married without a smack upside the head. *boop*, ok that's done. Please get some therapy dude, accepting yourself and feeling comfortable with your desires is not only for straight/vanilla/beautiful/whatever people. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Whatever you do though--keep in mind Dan is right--you won the partner lottery with your wife, don't fuck her over.
I'm in awe of the LW, her confidence and selfless support of her husband are amazing.
Posted by jujubee80 on February 18, 2013 at 5:50 AM · Report this
38
If you're in the Ohio area, or want to pay for a weekend flight, this hot twink will help out.

Email: SLhottwink@live.com
Posted by SL Hot Twink on February 18, 2013 at 1:17 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 39
Perhaps his job as a megachurch pastor is getting in the way of exploring his identity?

~ducks the flying shoes~
Posted by undead ayn rand on February 18, 2013 at 1:45 PM · Report this
40
@4 suggested therapy for the husband, and I was thinking the same thing might be helpful but perhaps I am coming from a different direction.

I hope it isn't an etiquette breach, but I wonder about the circumstances under which the husband lost his virginity at age 13. That was his only experience with a man, and this seems bound up in his shame and self-loathing issues.

Perhaps there is some trauma there that might need to be resolved en route to a more healthy outlook and sexuality?
Posted by Bond Quartermaster on February 18, 2013 at 5:23 PM · Report this
41
Hi I'm "the bi guy" (from Seattle for those of you who asked). Thanks everybody for your comments and Dan for posting my wife’s letter. I actually wasn't going to read this because I’m on an "I need to be straight kick" but my wife said there was a lot of comments, and I need to read them over. First off, sorry about starting a rant by saying “my attraction to guys was purely sexual” I didn’t mean that I was incapable of loving another guy, I simply meant that she was completely meeting all of my emotional needs. Although I can’t imagine myself dating a guy even if we weren’t together, but maybe that’s because I am so uncomfortable with that part of me like Dan said. So Dan, Yes I agree I’m probably a mess for being so conflicted with myself. And yes I know I won the sex love lottery with my wife, she is without a doubt my favorite person in the world. And I am extremely lucky that I ended up with her as she is the only person I know who is accepting of gay people. I didn’t really know that about her until after we were married, and @37 I know it was messed up to keep the fact that I’m bi a secret from her and then come out after we were married but I was really hoping I would finally be able to kick “the gay in me” after we got married because with a little restraint I was able to keep my jerks and thoughts mostly straight from the time I proposed. I fully intended on taking this secret to the grave until I discovered how accepting of this she was – She actually got in a really heated argument with her brother about how “being gay is not a choice” shortly before I came out to her.
So to dive into my mess, firstly I hope that I’m not coming off as a homophobe because I honestly don’t care at all that people are gay I’m all about live and let live, I just feel guilty that I am. Growing up god fearing has made me think that my attraction was something to be ashamed of, and I know my family and friends would disapprove if they knew. But on top of my religious hang-ups I feel guilty for having a sexual desire outside our marriage because I’ve always thought marriage was a commitment to monogamy. I am also afraid that even though she is supporting me exploring my gay side, there may be resentment from her later on, and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could hurt her or our marriage. And I couldn’t even the fields by having an open marriage – while I’m totally comfortable with the idea of her fooling around with a girl, I think I would die if she ever did with another guy. And since she is completely hetero, being with a girl wouldn’t be an option… (I’m not interested in fooling around with any other girls.)
I have always been attracted to both sexes sometimes equally and sometimes more one way than the other. My problem is I never really got to experiment with guys before we were together because I was so sure that it was sinful and ever since we got married whenever I’m on a gay kick it freaks me out that I’ll never get the chance to explore that side of me. So really I’m wondering if fooling around with guys will cure my freakouts and make me more comfortable with who I am? Is it worth the possible risks? Can I just bury my desires and hope they go away?

Thanks for all the advice so far.

More...
Posted by the bi guy on February 19, 2013 at 6:05 PM · Report this
42
@41, hope the *boop* didn't sting too much. You really seem to be struggling with a lot right now. Some of it I can relate to. It isn't the same thing obviously but I'm overweight, I have been my whole life and the shame and self-loathing I felt (and sometimes still do) crippled me for a long time in certain social arenas--particularly sexual ones. It's taken me a long time and some serious digging in therapy to be able to throw on a dress and some heels and feel beautiful as I AM as opposed to how I'm "supposed" to be.

I think you're in a good place to start working through the questions you're asking. You have a supportive partner and you're opening your mind to the possibility that there is another way to look at your bisexuality. Keep your mind and heart open and know that there are lots and lots of people who will accept you for who you are.

PS. I know Dan recommended jumping into the mix but I think that really depends on what you're ready for. In the meantime there are lots of websites where a hot guy should be able to explore the possibilities from the safety of his laptop :)

Posted by jujubee80 on February 19, 2013 at 9:38 PM · Report this
43
@41
Posted by abstractioness on February 21, 2013 at 2:51 PM · Report this
44
Whoops, didn't know it would post after I signed in, before I'd had a chance to edit.

@41, I'm also a bisexual who grew up in a religious community (pastor's daughter, actually). You haven't said whether you're still religious or not -- I realized (consciously) that I was bisexual after I stopped believing in God, so that was lucky for me. However, I still have vestiges of the shame/taboo leftover; I often have upsetting dreams about my parents disapproving of my bisexuality, and also have a fetish for the idea of sex outside my relationship (though I've never cheated).

Anyway, I've found that channeling the whole shame/taboo thing in a sexual context (e.g. having your wife "punish" you for thinking about men while you're fucking) can be cathartic, as long as you keep in mind that rationally you have nothing to be ashamed of, and of course as long as you know that she doesn't actually think that. Just a suggestion. Might help you work through some of those issues.
Posted by abstractioness on February 21, 2013 at 3:00 PM · Report this

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