I just ate a supreme burrito at Bimbo's. I am a meat eater but I ordered it with "vegan chipotle chicken." After the first bite, I knew it had joined Ballet's fake-meat pho on my short list of lunchtime food cravings. I love how fake meat is persistently chewy, like savory chewing gum. I love its different "flavors," which remind me of dry sucking on bouillon cubes. (My one complaint is that they could all use a teaspoon more cruelty.)

How has fake meat hypnotized my palate like this? (I started researching on the internet but quit after the phrase "meat analogue.") Was it specifically designed by vegetarians to get global meat eaters like me to give up our beef burgers and horse steaks? Because if so, it won't work. I mainly eat animals to absorb their cuteness.

Nevertheless, my food cravings are becoming more fake-meat-centric by the day. I am dangerously close to buying that meat-flavored toothpaste designed for house pets.

If there are other restaurants in town that do fake meat well (and I'm not talking about any of that oat-flavored field roast bullshit), please let me know.