• Anna Minard

On the left, we have Kim "Even My Armpits Are Fat!" Kardashian. (Let me pause for a moment and say: Like most women, I feel acutely aware of all the ways my body can fail to please others at any given moment, but dear lord, it has never occurred to me that you can have FAT ARMPITS.)

On the right, we have Gwyneth "World's Most Beautiful Woman" Paltrow.

There's no in between, really. It's either Ol' Fat Armpits McGee or Mrs. Goop. You choose.