Originally published May 3, 2007:

I'm a 42-year-old straight guy, married 15 years, no kids. I love my wife, and I have remained faithful. Recently, I opened a Second Life (SL) account, and created an avatar/alter ego for myself. I created an SL account with a female avatar because, although I'm straight and comfortable with my gender and sexuality, I've always fantasized about being transformed into a beautiful woman and having sex with other beautiful women. SL allows me an opportunity to explore this fantasy of being a lesbian, and also lets me engage in types of fantasy sex-play I would not normally do in real life (RL), such as BDSM, multiple partners, and anonymous sex.

I laid down some ground rules for myself: (1) I would NOT form a partnership in SL. (2) I would NOT, under any circumstances, discuss or reveal any details of my RL with anyone. (3) I would NOT form emotional relationships with other avatars. I have followed these rules to the letter.

My wife knows I have an SL account, but that's it. She's made it clear that she considers sex in SL to be adultery. I disagree. I see it as a form of user-controlled porn—so long as I follow the three rules above. I only go on SL when she is not at home, and I do not spend time in SL when I could be with her. We have a normal sex life, although she's not as GGG as she was when we were first married. She's grown more conservative—personally and sexually, not politically—as she's grown older. I love my wife very much, and I want my marriage to last. But sexually I'm more adventurous than my wife, and SL allows me to express that side of myself without any RL adultery.

Nevertheless, Dan, I feel guilty. My wife would not be happy (understatement of the young century) if she knew of my SL activities. And I hate lying to my wife. Yet, at the same time, I'm having so much fun—I am exploring fantasies I never could in real life, with a smoking-hot female avatar I'll never be. Should I come clean? Close down my SL account?

Second Lifer In Need Of Real Life Advice

My response after the jump...

First, SLINORLA: This is a marriage, not a deposition. You don't have to tell your wife the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God. No marriage—no civil union, no domestic partnership, no semiregular hookup—would survive long if each partner made a full confession of the previous day's minor betrayals at breakfast.

Second, SLINORLA: You have a right to your fantasies. It's a shame your wife can't see that and give your SL avatar her blessing. ("Some of your fantasies are nuts, honey—but, hey, go have your fun on the computer.") But like a lot of spouses, male and female, your wife seems to believe that marriage obligates you to round your libido down to match hers. It's not enough that you've stayed physically faithful as she's become more conservative and less GGG (good, giving, game); by declaring sex in SL to be adultery, your wife is attempting to deny you a necessary outlet for your sexual energy. So what do you do? You do what spouses have done since spouses were invented: Tell her what she wants to hear and go right on doing what you're doing. "No sex in SL, honey, promise" is simply "Of course I don't think of anyone else when we make love" updated for the technology age.