Ladies And Gentlemen, Berdymuk-ennifer: Jennifer Lopez performed last night at Turkmenistan dictator Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov's birthday party. The Human Rights Watch has called Turkmenistan "one of the world's most repressive countries." J-Lo's representatives have said "had there been knowledge of human right issues of any kind, Jennifer would not have attended."
A Marysville Drive-by Shooting Suspect has been arrested after a local girl was shot and killed Friday. 15 year old Molly Conley was celebrating her birthday with friends when she was shot through the neck.
Well That Escalated Quickly: According to police, a Tacoma police officer tried to stop a man from illegally panhandling. The panhandler then allegedly responded by hitting the officer with a metal pipe. The officer then allegedly responded by firing his gun at the panhandler multiple times. The panhandler was taken to the hospital in critical condition.
Maryland Student Stabbed In Egypt Protests: 21 year old Andrew Pochter was stabbed and killed Friday, during Egyptian anti-government protests. Pochter was interning in Egypt teaching English to kids.
In Related News: Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi has spoken up against protesters, refusing to step down. The growing protests are in response to economic problems, and discontent with Morsi's year old presidency.
Obama Pledged $7 Billion To Help Africa Blackouts: The president announced his new initiative, appropriately named Power Africa, will distribute the money over the next 5 years. The White House said in a statement, "More than two-thirds of the population of sub-Saharan Africa is without electricity, and more than 85% of those living in rural areas lack access."
NSA Leak Edward Snowden's Father sent a letter to the US Justice Department, suggesting a series of arrangements to get Edward to give himself up. The letter asked that he wouldn't be detained or imprisoned before trial, and would be tried in his choice of venue, among other requests.
Bank of America is Comprised of Buttholes! A San Diego man is potentially facing 13 years of prison after city prosecutors charge him with vandalism for writing in washable chalk "No Thanks, Big Banks" and "Shame on Bank of America" outside of three Bank of America sidewalks.
Now if you excuse me, I need to get back to life in a San Diego prison for calling Bank of America buttholes. Here's a talking cat for your troubles.