SLLOTD: Better Off Than Michigan

Comments

1
Nicely done.
2
Didn't Dan tell you about "DTMFA"? Your advice could have been three paragraphs shorter. I blame Dan and his inadequate job training course.
3
Slow Clap!
4
Trust me, though, it feels so much better just to say "Dump The Motherfucker Already."
5
Oh flashbacks! I could've dated this girl. My favorite part was when she'd call me in tears about how miserable things were while rebuffing any attempt to console her. When I said as much and thought I should just go, she'd start attacking me for not caring enough, wear me down to the point that _I_ was in tears and then accuse me of being emotional and breaking down over every little thing.

That was so much fun! And when she would drive over to my apartment at midnight to yell at me for this? Complaining all the while about how it was hard to find street parking? PARTY!

To the letter writer, DTMFA and save your sanity.
6
If a woman hits a man in the woods, and nobody says domestic violence, does it make a sound?
7
I like the tying in of MI politics and hope that continues.

DTMFA and LET her do something drastic, the world will be better off.
8
We don't use the "abusive" label enough to describe women in situations such as this one. If the genders were reversed, it would be obvious to everyone and the LW's friends and family would be all over this.

My own little brother married a woman like this. She's managed to cut his entire family out of their lives over some fantom slight that supposedly occurred twelve years ago. None of us have seen him since then.

I would say to the LW: you're young, very very young. Dump this motherfucker already. There will be other women in your life, women who will treat you much better than this one. And when you dump this motherfucker (already), she won't do anything drastic. That's just her being the manipulative, controlling, inadequate, subhuman bitch that she is.
9
The letter writer needed an analogy like that to see the situation he's in. Good Savage advice. But yeah, DTMFA.
10
Honestly, the letter writer needed an analogy like this to fully appreciate the lousy situation he's in. Great Savage advice. But, yeah, DTMFA.
11
Sounds like one of my ex's, the only one I would not be happy to meet up with again. The tell-tale sign that I was fully justified in my wariness was that *her* friends were pointing out that she wasn't treating me well.

The threat that she'll "do something drastic" is an emotional manipulation tactic, pure and simple. What she's really saying, in a nutshell, is "I'm going to hurt myself, and it's all your fault!" But it's not you're fault, it's her fault - you didn't tell her to do it, you didn't want her to do it, you may have even taken steps to stop her, all you did was protect yourself by leaving an abusive relationship. And don't make any mistake about it, that's exactly what this is. If you think she's serious, then get one of her friends or family members to be physically nearby when you DTMFA.
12
Wow. Some slow-pitch softball for the new guy, eh? I don't disagree with a word Chris said, of course; this one was a pretty obvious DTMFA.
13
This was a classic example of an abusive relationship even before you got to the part where she hits you. Even if she never hit you. this would be unexcusable abuse. Dump her, by all means dump her. And I hope you can also get some therapy to help get past it.

She's trying to alienate you from your friends and family so you will have no outside support and be emotionally dependent on her. She's constantly criticizing you to try to make you doubt your judgement and abilities, because the worse you feel about yourself then the less you feel like you deserve to be treated better. She's trying to control all of your movements and communications and prevent you from having outside perspectives. She may not be doing all of this consciously, most abusers probably aren't, but that is what is happening.

The really sad thing is that abuse hurts abusers too. Most of them are miserable. They don't know how to have a healthy relationship, and this is the best they can do. They need help. But they can't get help while they are abusing. Leave her, but if you want to be kind, tell her you're worried about her emotional well-being and you hope she'll seek professional help. If she threatens suicide, leave and call a suicide hotline for advice on what to do when a friend threatens suicide. Possibly call the authorities to make sure she isn't a danger to herself and get her some minimal psych care. But you aren't and cannot be her therapist, and she needs a real therapist. You're just her victim, and that doesn't help you or her. And please, please, please do not have kids in this situation. It'd be a horrible mess to grow up in.
14
Anyone who's shitty with a seven year old needs to get dumped.
15
I had a controlling, manipulative roommate like LW's girlfriend when I was his age. She threatened to kill herself when she didn't get her own way. We're in our 50s now and she's still alive, still whining and trying to manipulate. I'm 7000 miles away from her and that makes me happy.
DTMFA. Be happy.
16
TL:DR Version

DTMFA? Yes, DTMFA.
17
Dear MM, you might love her, but she does NOT love you. If she can not only treat you so poorly, but a 7 year old, too? She doesn't deserve you. Please get out now (DTMFA!), before YOU get hurt any more than you have been already.

Stop telling yourself it's your fault - just because a person tells you something doesn't make it true. Start asking yourself why YOU deserve to feel so shitty? Answer is, YOU DON'T!!!

You are so concerned about her feelings, and her needs - she has NO consideration for your feelings and needs, however! You are obviously someone who is unselfish and giving - get out before this person rips those traits from you, and find someone who DESERVES all the goodness you have to give!

I had a BF like this in high school, and trust me, I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire!

Do it soon, and don't look back. No matter how much you love her, you are going to feel relieved when you DTMFA.

Best of luck to you.
18
As has been said before, one, I think I dated her big sister, given her attitude, and secondly, yes, MM, the curb, show her to it. DTMFA.

Good job tho Chris, seems like you'll fit in nicely.
19
It's nice to be needed, to have that feeling that someone depends on you. This woman is not that person.
I'm worried that if I break up with her, she'll do something drastic means that she isn't interested in loving you, but hurting you. Probably due to incredibly low self-esteem, but that's not your problem. Your problem is that you're spending time w/ someone who is toxic, who doesn't know how to love, and apparently isn't interested in learning. Not at this stage of the game.

Yeah, DTMFA, but before you do, slowly & carefully remove her from your life. Change all your passwords, change the locks, warn your relatives, friends, and co-workers, etc. etc. The only thing you owe her, perhaps, is the number of a good therapist.
20
If you were a woman and you wrote this letter about your boyfriend, people would be telling you you're a murder victim waiting to happen. This chick is crazy and awful. DUMP HER. DUMP HER NOW. Get out.
21
Its all about Michigan Republicans.

The Arc of Justice in the Universe is long but it always bends toward Michigan Republicans.
22
What can I do?

You know who hangs out with friends, family, and coworkers? Losers who don't have a girlfriend as awesome as yours. Seriously, compared with girlfriend time, all those other relationships are way overrated, so the first thing you do is change your email address and phone number, move to a different town, and cut all those moochers out of your life.

Second, drive better. Is that so much to ask?

Third, why are you texting other people? No texts, no more problems with girlfriend wanting to read them.

Fourth, you got hit by a girl? Big deal. When she starts hitting you with a baseball bat or a shovel, now you've got something to complain about. Until then, bob and weave, keep your hands up to block the jabs and hooks, and always be on the lookout for the uppercut. Before you know it, she'll tire herself out and be ready to move on to something else.
23
to quote Dan, the good times are just sprinkles on a dog shit sundae.
24
@23

Eww, that doesn't sound very tasty.
25
Nice work, Chris! But I would've called her behavior out as abusive. LW, imagine if a female friend of yours told you she was being socially isolated, berated, threatened and physically attacked by her boyfriend. Would that be OK? Well, what's happening to you isn't in the least OK, either. DTMFA and get back to living a full life of cold beers with your friends and coworkers, and fun times hanging out with your family. You don't need this mean, nasty, jealous hellbeast in your life. Once you've dumped her ass (also lose her phone # and her email address - she sounds like the potential creepy stalker type) you'll be amazed at the weight that lifts from your shoulders. Have a wonderful time being single and resolve to only date people who treat you well!
26
Don't have children with this bitch!!! Because you'll be stuck with her in one way or another for the rest of your life. And that's not a good thing when you realize how horrible she is. And horrible is an understatement.
27
Relax guy, she's got at least one, probably several other candidates lined up if you bail on her. She doesn't operate without a backup plan - at some level she knows she's repellant, knows you are apt to leave, and since she isn't the kind of person who is single for more than a hot second she's definitely always got a few male hangers on waiting in the wings. Easy at 21 or so. The boys are hard up at that age.
28
You are so right: Republicans are Batshit Crazy Abusive Partners - Personality Disorder sufferers - not just in Michigan, but everywhere. The non-crazy relatives have all been forced to flee. Counseling is no help.

Well written, and MM: from one formerly abused, controlled and manipulated guy to another, please DTMFA.
29
We like to say "Life is short, enjoy it while you can," but that can lead to some pretty wrong decisions. Just because this girl will bonk you right now, and you don't have to go through the social dance of meeting someone new before you can bonk again is not the same as being in love.

Life is actually pretty long. You stand a statistically-excellent chance of living into your eighties. If you do it right, you'll be a righteously-centered wonderful old soul who your friends and relatives truly enjoy being around. And, you could still be bonking a true life-partner. If you do it wrong, by hanging around soul-sucking emotional parasites, you'll be a twitching, empty husk of a human before you're 30.

Plan ahead. A little discomfort (removal of difficult parasite) now, a recovery period to rebuild your self-esteem (if necessary), and being a little more careful in selecting your next long-term partner, can pay huge dividends for your future. And make you a lot happier in a couple of months than you could have imagined.
30
I was screaming DTMFA after the third sentence. Life is WAY too short to find yourself in love with something like that.
31
Run. Run as fast as you can from this psycho. Kind of like people are doing by moving from Michigan.
32
Seconding @26 and adding: That Means Wear a Condom Every Time!! You cannot trust her if she claims to be on birth control, especially if she starts to get a sense that you might be withdrawing emotionally.
33
You love her. Who knows why? We certainly cannot tell from your descriptions, but you love her nonetheless. Okay, you love her BUT SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU AT ALL. That is a very painful truth, probably more painful than the way she treats you--loving someone that is bad for you. It happens all the time, though, I doubt that is a comfort to you.

You can't be with her anymore, and you must know that. It doesn't matter how much you love her, she will never change, never get nicer and that IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There is something broken in her that makes her treat you like shit. YOU CAN'T FIX HER.

Separate as carefully and quickly as you can from this creature. Make sure to tell all and everyone the reason: "I love her, but she is not good for me and to protect myself, I have to move on."

If you say it enough, you will start to believe it.
34
You poor soul, what are you getting out of this relationship? Run, run now. I promise, pledge, and pinky-swear that there are other women out there who will treat you better than she does. DTMFA.
35
Amen. Men abused by female partners tend to get overlooked. Tell this dude to man up and move out—or better yet, kick her out!
36
Well, there's always that haven for Democrats in Michigan, Deeeetroit, you can retreat to.
37
It's crude to use a request for help with an abusive relationship as a political soapbox.

The girlfriend is abusive, and the writer probably figured that out while writing the letter. It's tough to get out of relationships in general, but emotionally destructive relationships can be even harder because you've been isolated from the people who would normally be supporting you.

If you need someone to talk to, to get started, get to a safe place and call a domestic abuse helpline. If you're worried that your girlfriend may look at your phone records, call from another phone (maybe your work has a land line). http://www.dahmw.org/ showed up on a Google Search, I don't know if they're any good, but it might be a start.

Good luck.
38
I'll bet your mom, sisters, and especially your little brother HATE this girl for what she's doing to you. And how can you let anyone treat a little kid like that? Get a spine and dump her.She needs therapy. Look at it this way...if you stay with her, she has no reason to change. Her shitty treatment gets results. Do her a favor and show her the repercussions of her horrible behavior. Don't cave when she starts talking suicide. And, if I were you, I'd get a restraining order--tell the cops you're worried about your siblings. And if you're not, you should be.
39
@25: "But I would've called her behavior out as abusive."

He did.

"You have a choice to make: continue to be treated like a doormat by this abusive woman or recognize that you're being abused, regain your self-esteem, and kick her to the curb."

P.S.

To the LW, anyone who can't manage to be civil to a seven-year child their boyfriend is related to is seriously fucked up in an unambiguous, utterly deal-breaking kind of way. That is all.
40
LW - when I finally made the decision to leave an abusive relationship with someone I loved (or thought I did), it was unbelievably painful and within days I wanted him back. So some practical advice for not giving in to that feeling - go buy notecards at the drugstore and on each notecard write one reason that you left her. A dozen of those reasons are in the letter, but I'm sure there are many more.

Then every time you get the urge to call or remember something sweet or funny she did, look at the cards and remind yourself why you left.

To those that haven't been in the situation, it seems obvious, but to those of us that have, we know it's really hard. You get conditioned to accepting abuse as the way love is and the tiny sweet things that the lover does seem so much bigger after all the awful things you deal with the rest of the time.

Good luck and stay strong! And of course DTMFA!!!
41
I was just writing a reply when I saw that @40 said what I wanted to say. But anyway:

LW you are young. If you get out of this relationship now, it will hurt. But it will get better sooner than you think, and it will do wonders for your sense of self worth. If you stay, this kind of abuse will become the norm - with her, or with anyone else you end up with because you'll become so used to it that you won't be able to recognize a healthy relationship when you see it.

Get out, get over it, and find someone who's nice to you and your family.