"If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge him?" Guess who said that? No, come on, guess. Give up? Pope Francis! No, really.

There is no god. Erich Priebke, a former SS officer, who was convicted of war crimes for massacring 335 civilians near Rome, celebrates his 100th birthday today. Priebke credits his longevity to clean living, regular exercise, and pure evil.

Well, at least they're talking. Israeli and Palestinian officials, scheduled to renew peace talks in Washington DC today, are already fighting over the format of the negotiations.

Turkey vulture? Turkish authorities have released a kestrel accused of spying on behalf of Israel, after X-rays found no embedded surveillance devices. Curiously, the kestrel's release coincides with the Israeli announcement that it will free 104 Palestinian prisoners. Hmm.

Because, I suppose, 4 out of 5 Americans must be lazy. According to a new survey on our nation's deteriorating economic security, 4 out of 5 US adults struggle with joblessness, near-poverty or reliance on welfare at some point in their lives, because we are the greatest nation on earth!

Because 5 out of 5 Americans like to buy cheap stuff. Online retailer Amazon says it will hire an additional 5,000 workers at its distribution facilities to meet increased demand. Another 2,000 part-time and seasonal workers will be added to provide customer service.

See, this is why I just stayed home this weekend. Two are dead after a boat crash on the Hudson River, five are dead from a helicopter crash in Pennsylvania, 38 were killed in a bus crash in Italy, and the driver has been charged with 79 counts of homicide from the train crash in Spain.

It's true. Many school kids in Kentucky don't have a prayer. The American Family Association of Kentucky says that SAT scores have plunged and STDs have surged due to the lack of prayer in school.

Also, his arm is really sore from holding the canister. The former police officer made infamous for casually dousing students with pepper spray at a peaceful UC Davis sit-in, is seeking worker's compensation for the psychiatric injury he suffered from casually dousing students with pepper spray at a peaceful sit-in.

Don't mess with Texas bees. A swarm of 30,000 bees swarmed a North Texas couple, killing their miniature horses. It was like something out of a horror movie with miniature horses in it.

A mosquito just bit me! Just this minute. On my knee, just as I was writing the thing about the bees. Not really news in itself, but I fucking hate mosquitos!

Who needs government? Nearly 1,200 firefighters are battling a 17,000 acre wildfire that threatens 69 homes near Goldendale in Klickitat County.

Right to die? A Renton man accused of murdering his grandparents says he wants to be executed after jail conditions made him lose the will to live. Michael Chadd Boysen has attempted to harm or kill himself at least 12 times, according to his lawyers, who say he spends much of his time in King County Jail strapped to a restraining bed or hard plastic backboard.

And finally, Russian President Vladimir Putin persecutes gays, but has no qualms about kissing a fish: