Dear Politics,
You are about to shut down the federal government, putting about a million Americans directly out of work, and God knows how many others indirectly. Parks will shutdown, federal offices will close, and civilian defense workers will be sent home. And why? Because you suck. You fucking suck.
Yeah, I know, it's not fair to blame all of politics for the America-hating Koch-sucking antics of the House Republicans and that political eunuch who leads them. But you know what? It happened on your watch, politics—the lying, the gerrymandering, the corporate money, and the smug, false equivalence cum bullshit of our mainstream media. It's politics that made this shutdown possible, because it's politics that pretends that these ideological teabagging dickwads have political legitimacy because... because why? Because they won some elections in heavily gerrymandered districts in Hand Your Toddlers a Handgun Country?
Fuck 'em! And fuck you, politics, at all levels of government, across both parties. I mean, have you ever met a politician? Most of them are fucking idiots! Think about it. That whole "citizen legislator" thing our country was supposedly founded on? That may have worked back during the Enlightenment when only the most educated citizens were eligible to vote, let alone run for office, but today it means that anybody can hold office. Anybody! And that means that our Congress and our state legislatures and our city councils throughout the nation are filled, not with our best and our brightest, but with average people. And I mean average in every way! Walk through the halls of power in Olympia or in any other state capitol, and on average, for every lawmaker you meet who is more than two standard deviations above the mean on the IQ scale, you will meet another lawmaker who is more than two standard deviations below it. And more than two standard deviations below mean is clinically retarded!*
Omigod, politics, thanks to the myth of the "citizen legislator," you elect mentally retarded people to high office! Do you have any idea how much you suck? Go back 240 years and imagine how different history might have played out if, instead of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington, our fight for independence had been led by the likes of Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry? How well do you think that would've gone? Today we'd all be driving on the left, watching cricket, and spelling "color" with fucking "u." That's what a "citizen legislator" buys you.
And I repeat: It's not just the Republicans. For as stupid and uneducated as these Rand-spewing teabaggers are, Democrats fucking lose to them! They lose to fucking teabaggers! So what does that make Democrats? Even stupider! And that goes a long way toward explaining how we got into the stupid fucking situation we've found ourselves in today.
No terrorist, in their wildest, 72-virgin wet dreams could possibly inflict on the United States the economic damage the House Republicans are now contemplating both with the government shutdown and the inevitable debt limit battle that follows. And yet, rather than expressing outrage, our punditocracy just shrugs its collective shoulders and sighs, "well, it may be fucking stupid, but there's not anything we can do about it, because that's just how politics works." But if that is how you work, politics, then you suck. You fucking suck. And by association, I fucking suck for ever believing that I could fucking change you.
Go fuck yourself,
Goldy
* I apologize in advance to the mentally disabled for offensively comparing them to politicians.
