There are two big pieces of background information before I get to my question: 1. I used to be a hardcore fundamentalist pentecostal minister. 2. When I was in bible school, people frequently assumed I was homosexual. Why I was assumed to be gay, I am not sure. I was thin, pretty shy, and liked to read and this was Texas, so it could have been as simple as that. Regardless of why, it seemed to be a common assumption. An assumption I never bothered to correct because I didn't knew about it at the time and don't really care now.

Flash forward about ten years. I have recently been contacted on Facebook by an old acquaintance from my bible school days. After I told him that I was now an Atheist, I expected to hear the usual "come back to Jesus" spiel that I typically get. Instead, he immediately starting asking questions about whether I've stayed in shape, if I have any tattoos, and if I have ever gone skinny-dipping, and a whole lot of other questions in this vein.

My girlfriend thinks he still thinks I'm gay and is flirting with me. I am not wholly convinced that's true, but if it is, this is potentially a very sensitive situation. He is now a pastor with a wife and two kids. If it is true that he is attracted to men, I want to help him realize those desires and come out of the closet. I am afraid that if I ask him directly if he is gay, he will just deny it and stop all contact with me. However, casually and ambiguously flirting back with him to see if he outs himself seems really misleading. Especially since I am not interested in men. What's the best way to handle this situation? Is it my place to even try to handle it at all?

Concerned Hetero Resisting Intimate Straight Talk

My response after the jump....

Maybe this pastor acquaintance of yours is bisexual and out to his wife and she allows him to have sex with men on the side and he has particular thing for in-shape, tattooed, skinny-dipping atheists who attended his old bible school. (Maybe he's this pastor.) All of that strikes me as highly doubtful, CHRIST, if not entirely unpossible. Your girlfriend's take is much likelier to be the correct one: this guy is deeply closeted, desperate for cock, and contacted you because you were the perceived-to-be-gay one at his old school and he wants your cock.

Here's something many hardcore fundamentalist pentecostals believe about out gay men: that we will suck anyone's dick and let anyone suck ours. Sadly, CHRIST, it's not just straight hardcore fundamentalist pentecostals who believe this shit. Hardcore fundamentalist pentecostals who are gay themselves—and closeted and desperate for cock—tend to believe this shit about out gay men too. These religious closet cases project their own desperation for cock onto out gay men and figure that, hey, if they can just make one gay friend... or reconnect with one perceived-and-presumed-to-be-gay former classmate... they'll finally get to suck a dick.

Your old school buddy figures that since you're gay and out now—which is the only explanation for your atheism, right?—all he has to do to get your dick in his mouth is ask a few leading, semi-inappropriate questions that allow him to 1. telegraph a specific interest in your body without 2. requiring him to take responsibility for hitting on you. It's a game that closet cases play—a tiresome game—and here's how the closet case hopes it'll work:

The Religious Closet Case: "Hey, you still in shape? Got any tattoos? Want to go skinny-dipping sometime?"

Sensible Out Gay Or Perceived-To-Be-Gay Adult: "I've kept up at the gym, for sure. Six pack, man. And I've got some cool ink now. And, hey, I love skinny-dipping. You wanna go skinny-dipping sometime? But I gotta warn you, dude, I usually need a massage after I go skinny-dipping. You up for swapping backrubs?"

And here's how it works when the religious closet case makes the mistake of hitting on an out gay or perceived to be gay adult:

The Religious Closet Case: "Hey, you still in shape? Got any tattoos? Want to go skinny-dipping sometime?"

Sensible Out Gay Or Perceived-To-Be-Gay Adult: Are you hitting on me?

The Religious Closet Case:: "Of course not! I'm a married man! Geez, can't one guy ask another guy about his hot body and his tattoos and his feelings about splashing around naked in a pool with another man without that guy making crazy assumptions?"

Here's my advice for you: If you think this guy might be gay, CHRIST, ask him if he's gay: "Your questions about my body, my skin, and incidental nudity has me wondering if you're gay. Which is fine! I'm pro-gay, I have lots of gay friends, and if you need someone to unload on—that's unload on, old pal, not unload in—I'm totally your guy. But for the record: I'm not gay myself. So if you're looking for cock, I'm not your guy."

It's better to call a closet case's bluff—he's not fooling anyone (especially your girlfriend)—then it is to play along with a closet case's stupid, transparent, time-wasting games. If he admits to you that he's gay, CHRIST, you can offer him your support and give him the names of some gay organizations that might be able to help. (Google around a little; there are LGBT groups out there for every religious tradition.) The worst that could happen is he freaks out, blocks you on Facebook, and you never hear from him again. Which would probably be a blessing.