Grab a cup of coffee or an adult beverage, Dan, this is going to be a long one.

I live in a poly household with my girlfriend and her husband who is not my boyfriend. But he is the one who asked me to move in, so he is obviously fine with the situation. I'm 52 and my girlfriend is 30. If it matters she asked me if I wanted to start dating. I was floored but had the presence of mind to say YES. Did I mention she's hot as hell? Anyway...

We've been together for about a year now. She has some mental health issues that she has been very up front about. She was sex trafficked in college by her boyfriend and went straight from that into a very abusive (previous) marriage. She also suffered from childhood abuse. Consequently she has PTSD and DID, among other issues. That doesn't scare me. Knowing is half the battle. And I'm actuality kind of flattered that some of her alters feel comfortable enough around me to come out and introduce themselves.

We started off like most new couples, all over each other. I know that doesn't last, the new wears off, but we haven't had sex in 6 months. I've tried to be patient. I've tried talking. I've tried leaving her alone and giving her space. I've tried romance. I finally sat her down and asked if she still wants to be my girlfriend or just roommates. She insists that she does want to be my girlfriend and that I'm pressuring her. We have had three talks about this in six months. The last one got rather heated because frankly I'm hurt and pissed. We are open poly. I have a couple I see on a regular basis. She has another boyfriend. That's fine. But instead of spending time with me, Dan, she is activity seeking out new sex partners. She tells me as long as they are guys I shouldn't be jealous. I'm the only girl she sees.

The last straw for me: I set up a whole day for the two of us next weekend. Just us. (My girlfriend and her husband have a child so we frequently do family outings.) Now she tells me we have to cut that day short so she can go out with her husband that evening. And I'm babysitting.

Dan this is my first real girlfriend. I'm twice divorced with grown kids and grandkids. While I have been with women before I've never been in love with a woman before. And frankly the only reasons I'm still here are 1. I'm not financially able to move out of their house and 2. I keep thinking this is something to do with her mental health issues and can be worked on. She has huge trust issues. I also realize that I am the secondary relationship here and her husband is first priority, as he should be, since he is her primary partner. But while she swears she loves me she barely hugs me. When I tried to break up with her she begged me to "give her time to work on it." She introduces me to everyone as her girlfriend. She will text me an "I LOVE YOU" out of the blue when I'm at work. The signals are so mixed its giving me whiplash.

I don't know, Dan. Do I ride out the storm or DTMFA? She is in therapy but none of us think much of the program her insurance has her on. They keep changing her therapist and none of the ones she sees are trained in DID. Some of them haven't been trained in PTSD, they were social workers or family councilors. Do you have someone that can point me in the right direction for help? Or do I just need to pull my head out of my ass and end this?

Need A Neckbrace

My response after the jump...

It's beyond sad that your girlfriend was trafficked by her college boyfriend and abused by her parents and her ex-husband. But if the counseling/medical care she's getting is inadequate, NAN, then your girlfriend and her husband need to focus their time and energies on finding her a better mental-health-care provider and not, say, another male sex partner or three.

You describe your girlfriend's husband as her primary partner, NAN, and it's to your credit that you're able and willing to acknowledge that fact. But primary status in a poly relationship doesn't just come with perks like, say, being able to pull rank and cut short your wife's planned all-day-long date with her secondary partner. Primary status comes with responsibilities like, say, taking primary responsibility for your partner's medical care. Your girlfriend's husband needs to step up, not just pull rank, and make sure his primary partner—your girlfriend, his wife—is getting the help she needs. If that responsibility is falling to you after less than a year with this woman, NAN, that means one of two things: she's either being neglected by her husband (which can be a form of abuse) or her mental health issues aren't as serious or debilitating as she's lead you to believe.

I'm not saying she wasn't trafficked and abused, NAN, but if her primary/husband—who has been with her longer than you have, knows her better than you do, and has more invested in her (marriage! kid!)—doesn't regard her "trust issues" and/or current condition as cause for alarm and/or action, maybe things aren't as bad as she's lead you to believe. She could be manipulating and controlling you by pointing to her victimization and her "trust issues," and she's feeding you this "give me time to work on it" stuff because you're cheaper than a babysitter and/or she likes you and wants to keep you in her life (and she's too selfish to recognize that keeping you around when she's incapable of meeting your needs is cruel).

That's all speculative, of course, and I can't read your girlfriend's mind—or her husband's mind—so let's boil this down to what we know for sure: You're unhappy in this sexless-for-you relationship (it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is going without) and, for whatever reason, your girlfriend is incapable of meeting your emotional and sexual needs at the moment. My question for you, NAN: How much more time and emotional energy are you willing to invest in a relationship with someone who is incapable—again: for whatever reason—of meeting your emotional and sexual needs?

I think one year—and six sexless months—is enough. DTMFA.

You don't have to make the breakup official immediately—you're not in a financial position to make it official—but you'll be more content in the short run if regard this relationship as over, NAN. Stop thinking of her as your girlfriend and 1. you won't have to argue with her about her failure to meet your needs and 2. you won't be hurt when she fails to meet your needs.

And start saving up so you can move out.