Never thought I'd need your help, but here we are. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years. About six years ago he agreed to open up our marriage. After a couple of years he slammed the door shut again after I broke a rule. For the past four years he has been punishing me and has not been able to let it go. Needless to say I have been miserable for the last couple of years but have been staying put because of the kids. I have now reconnected with someone from long ago and want to leave to be with him. (I haven't slept with him yet, I don't want to be a CPOS.) My question is how old do the kids have to be before I can leave? I was originally planning to wait a couple more years, but I don't think I can make it that far.

Want Out Soon

My response—and WOS's response to mine, and mine to hers, and a late-breaking update—after the jump.

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If he can't forgive you—forgive you for breaking a rule and let it go and love you—then you should leave sooner rather than later, reconnection or no reconnection. It'll suck for your kids, of course, but you know what'll suck just as hard or harder? Years of watching dad punish mom for something they don't know about (hopefully) and probably wouldn't understand if they were told about it. (So let's not tell 'em about it, okay?) If a person can't forgive a spouse and patch things up, WOS, what the hell good is forgiveness? Or a spouse? And if the wronged party isn't capable of forgiving—or interested in forgiving—the wronged party should end the marriage, not make themselves so unbearable, and the wronger party so miserable, that the wronger is forced to pull the plug.—Dan

So true! Thank you for putting it in perspective for me, Dan!—WOS

Seriously, WOS. Tell your husband that he doesn't get to punch you in the face—figuratively—for the rest of your married life because you made a mistake that he can't forgive. Does he want to stay together? Then has to forgive you. Can't forgive you? Then your marriage has to end. Either the healing begins or the divorce proceedings do. I'm constantly amazed by people who say shit to me like, "I would take a bullet for my wife/husband, I would walk through fire for him/her… but I can't forgive him/her." You would take a bullet for this person… but you will not forgive them? How is getting shot—or walking through fire—easier than forgiveness? A scenario where someone would actually have to get shot or walk through fire for their spouse is extremely unlikely, of course, which makes bullets and burns a pair of safe hypotheticals. But incidents over the course of a marriage/partnership when forgiveness is the only way to save the relationship? Those are inevitable. And if you can't forgive—even a big mistake—then divorce is inevitable.—Dan

I had the above exchange with WOS about a year ago. Today WOS with an update...

Six days after our email exchange I told my husband it was over. We told the kids one week later, filed the papers the week after that, and put the house on the market a couple weeks later, it sold immediately and I moved out right after that. My divorce became final two weeks ago, and it is the best decision I ever made. I am SO much happier now, Dan! The sex with that "guy from long ago" that I reconnected with is fucking amazing. Who would have thought that the fuck of the century would turn out to be a boy I grew up with from my tiny little hometown and my tiny little school of 300 kids? I feel like I hit the sex jackpot with this guy! I won't waste any more of your time, just thought you'd like to know how it turned out. It was the best advice ever! Love you, Dan!—WOS