Originally published November 12, 2009.

I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed because it seems pretty perverse and disturbed.

My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively dominant personality, but I'm a bit submissive around him in order to keep the peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations. So I am wondering: Is this new fetish springing from my frustration at being dominated by the man in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities as I get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem? Should I discuss this at all with my husband?

Turning The Tables

My response after the jump...

The emotional dynamics in your marriage—he won't tolerate disagreement in "certain situations," you bite your tongue to avoid conflict—sound a hell of a lot more perverse and disturbed to me than your growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in bondage and chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as sexy as it is common, TTT, and your kinks don't require his constant submission, e.g., he's not tied up once you untie him, his dick isn't locked up once you unlock it. His inability to "tolerate any disagreement in certain situations," on the other hand, does require your constant submission.

No relationship lasts unless both partners are willing to bite their tongues from time to time in the interests of keeping the peace. But when someone says her husband "will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations," that worries me. The list of situations in which your husband won't tolerate disagreement may be short now, TTT, but if he realizes that he can control you with this anger, the list is likely to grow. Be careful.

On to your fetish: It sounds like you were always turned on by the idea of controlling a man; you write that you've become "more aware" of this fetish, which leads me to believe that you've had some awareness all along. Why is it coming to the forefront now? It could have something to do with hitting your sexual peak, which women do around 30, and it could be because your kinks go so strongly against the grain of the established emotional dynamics of your marriage.

I would encourage you to discuss your kinks with your husband. They're not anything out of the ordinary (or the extraordinary, I should say), and lots of dominant dick swingers—guys like your husband—secretly fantasize about submission. The cliché about the high-powered CEO who goes crawling to a professional dominant to get his ass beaten is a cliché because it's frequently true. Your husband could be one of those guys—but you'll never know until you ask.