Yeah, yeah, Eli asked you about your resolutions, and y'all certainly seem to have them. But our own Stranger graduate traitor Nashville correspondent Megan Seling is over at Rookie this week telling you why New Year's Resolutions are just a big pile of dookie:

Despite having never actually stuck to a single resolution in all my time on earth, I still shamefully walk straight into their trap every single year. For as long as I can remember, I’ve spent the last week of December writing out a modest (but embarrassingly unrealistic) list of things I hope to achieve over the next 365 days: I will run a marathon. I will read all the books stacked atop my bedside table. I will stop eating processed sugar. And every January 1st, I promise myself, This year will be different! I can do it this time! But it’s not, and I can’t. Without fail, within a matter of months (or less), I find myself drowning in self-doubt, and I abandon every goal I’ve set. I have not, in fact, run a single marathon. My unread-books pile has only grown taller. And I broke that “no processed sugar” rule in a matter of hours...

Did you know that only 8 percent of people achieve the goals they set on January 1? That’s a 92 percent failure rate. You wouldn’t go into anything else that boasted those kinds of statistics. You wouldn’t use a birth-control method that was successful 8 percent of the time, would you? (There isn’t actually a birth-control method that’s as unsuccessful as New Year’s resolutions. Having repeated P-in-V intercourse with NO protection has a lower failure rate: 85 percent.) This system is clearly not working. That’s partly because goals, while admirable, are focused on the distant future, when we will have crossed the finish line. They don’t address the here and now, which is where change actually happens. A goal is more like a hope: I want to get more work done this year. It’s broad and abstract. What’s more useful is a plan: I’m gonna download and install Freedom right this minute to prevent myself from fucking around on the internet when I should be getting work done. That one will actually help you make progress toward your goal, but you don’t have to make a New Year’s resolution to install software on your computer.

Read the rest here. Congrats on your Rookie-ing, Megan dearest! Now please MAIL US SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' CUPCAKES, STAT.