This guy. This fucking guy. Who does this Francis think he is? He’s supposed to be My word on earth, and instead he’s pumping out 90-page letters whining about how the “idolatry of money” is a “new tyranny”? He’s complaining about “unfettered capitalism”? Capitalism was My idea! Is he, like, a Marxist or something? Get a load of this namby-pamby horseshit:

“How can it be that it is not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two points?”

Uh, because the stock market contributes to the wealth of millions of people all over the planet, but an elderly homeless person contributes exactly NOTHING to anyone who matters, maybe? Ya think?

The pope is supposed to do My work. What happened? I liked the last guy. Maybe it’s just ’cause he was German, but he really knew how to follow orders. Look, it’s real simple: The poor can go fuck themselves. They didn’t build anything, so they don’t get anything. It’s just math.

And don’t even get me started on Obamacare. Can’t afford to get sick? Don’t get sick, jackass! I’ve been sending Francis messages nonstop—sorry about that, Philippines, I got a little overexcited that time—but he’s flat-out ignoring all of them. Can one of you nitwits pass on a note for me? Here it is: “Lay… the… Fuck… Off the commie talk.” Otherwise, I’ll have to start looking for a new pope, if you catch my drift. I’m torn between Rush Limbaugh and the Donald this time. Now, those guys? Those are two guys who know what’s what.