- DANNY HELLMAN
- DON’T FORGET TO FUCK FIRST You’re going to be too tired after the reception.
I give advice for a living. I go to a lot of weddings. But I don't get many questions about weddings; wedding Qs are more Dear Prudence than Savage Love. So here is my unsolicited wedding advice in the form of a list of don'ts. My wedding advice, offered here in no particular order, is binding. So skip this article unless you intend to follow my advice to the letter.
1. Don't make people travel any farther than necessary to attend your wedding. Everyone hates destination weddings. Live in the city? Get married in the city. Live in the middle of fucking nowhere? Get married in the middle of the nearest big city. Remember: The farther people have to travel, the more they have to spend on airfare, hotels, meals, etc.; the more they have to spend to get to your wedding, the less money they're willing to spend on the crap on your gift registry. Unless you're willing to pick up the full cost of the airfare, hotel rooms, and meals for all of your invited guests, be normal human beings and get married someplace that's convenient for your friends and family to travel to and flee from. Pick a venue with some decent bars on the same block and some hotels within walking distance. Only assholes get married on cruise ships, islands, or mountaintops.
2. Don't drag it out. Unless you're a Windsor, a Hapsburg, a Bourbon, or a Wittelsbach, your actual marriage ceremony shouldn't last much longer than a better-than-average blowjob—20 minutes, tops.
3. Don't wait for marriage. Ask any advice columnist, sex therapist, or sane (read: non-Christian) couples counselor, and they'll tell you: Waiting to have sex until after you're married is a terrible idea...