(UPDATE 3:37 PM: Due to autoplay issues, you can watch the full episode after the jump.)
At last! The two groups of girls finally meet face-to-face to face their facey faces off, and MY GOD. The shade. Their first meeting was like watching the crimping Crips and the menstrual Bloods scratch-fight over a Kotex. REOWR!
An observation: If Jinkx and Ben have done anything, they’ve ushered in a new era of kinder, gentler drag—“compassionate queendom” if you will—and it’s a lesson some OTHER kweens really need to take to heart (cough, cough BIANCA DEL RIO, cough, cough, GIA GUNN, cough). And Trinity? Ben looks like “the Hamburglar’s wife”, you say? You sure about that? (You are SO on my very short shit list. Watch your manners, hunty.) Anyway, it’s a new day. Catch up, ladies.
The first challenge! It’s a weird one. Inadvertently (or perhaps advertently or whatever) they created two tribes by dividing the two groups, so the first thing Ru does is split them bitches up. Each queen has to pair up with another that was not from their original group, and what they have to do is share bodies—one top, one bottom. Unfortunately (or perhaps quite fortunately indeed) this has nothing to do with the first thing that sprang into your filthy little mind, you sick little shit. It’s a photo shoot! In a giant sandbox! The queens have to position themselves just so, so that they look like one seamless entity—one queen is the head and torso, the other, the legs, as they lip-synch to RuPaul’s “Click Clack (Make Dat Money)”.
Told you: weird.
First up were Courtney Act and Leganga Estranga, who together resembled some peculiar sort of double-jointed draggy human centipede. Adore and Milk made quite a pair (har, har), Gia and Joslyn (whom I’d completely forgotten existed already) looked like they were born that way, and my favorite, you won’t be surprised to hear, was Ben DeLaCreme (BENDELLA! BENDELLA! GOOOO BEN!) teamed up with big girl Darienne (who I’ve decided to spell correctly this week,) who were ever so adorably bouncy and bottom-heavy. Milk and Adore won though, so. Whatever. (#teamdelacreme FOREVER!)
We move on to the next challenge—a horror movie challenge! The queens were to be screen-tested for a new horror franchise, “Drag Race Me To Hell!” Now we're cookin'! (I have maxed out the horror sections of Netflix, HULU and Amazon Prime—I'm something of just a little bit of a huge horror fanatic, so this challenge is right up my dark little alley.)
Challenge winners Milk (call me!) and Adore picked their casts: Milk chose Bianca, Darienne, Courtney, and Joslyn. Adore got Leganga (call me too!), Bendella (BEN! BEN! BEN! Woohoooo!), Vivacious, and Gia.
When they were parsing out the roles, most of the queens balked at the part of “scary head in a box”—a smaller role that was just, well, a scary head in a box. Team Milk thrust the role on Darienne, who accepted it like a trooper (“I can do something with it”, she said optimistically—I’m beginning to really like her), and Team Adore heaved the role on to Vivacious (whose name, it seems more and more, is quite the misnomer). Trinity was all nervous and begging for tips because she can’t act her way into a wet paper bag (good!), and she was stuck with the most lines. Bianca told her she should play the character all ghetto, because Bianca? TOTAL RACIST.
The scene: a spooky living room, night, raining. Beyond that, I have no clue—there’s a lot of blood and running around and it’s confusing as all hell. Trinity said her lines like she had a mouth full of tacks, and she kept turning her back to the camera (Ru actually had to STAND UP and show her what to do—embarrassing!) and Courtney Act (who I like a lot more than I did last week for some reason) is such a real live girl OMG, I can barely believe it. (I could never "clock that spook outta geesh" or whatever, as our linguistically colorful friend Vivacious would say—I am seriously about to demand a visual penis check to make sure she’s really packing boy junk downstairs.) But Darienne as the scary head in a box! Growling with her tongue lolling out in a big red bow with a bloody inverted pentagram on her forehead! She was the best in scene: she totally rocked out with her cock out. In. Whatever. (“YOUR MOTHER DARNS SOCKS IN HELL!”)
Then team Adore! First thing you have to know is that Adore is bright as a bucket of burnt out bulbs, but that’s okay, she’s a LIBRA! Do you hear? A LIBRA! (Jesus, Adore! WE KNOW!) April played a lesbian and was surprisingly terrible at it (even though she’s still just the CUTEST boy), and Adore screwed everything up bigtime—she forgot all her lines, even her character’s name. (To be fair, she NEVER would have forgotten if her character’s name had been something like, oh, say, “LIBRA! LIBRA! I’M A FUCKING LIBRA BITCHES!” Nah, she probably would have forgotten that too.) And Vivacious? She gives lousy head. That’s all I’m saying.
Ben was cute as a bug’s button as a spooky old woman, but she was definitely underutilized. MORE BEN PLEASE. (Woohooo!)
Of course then we move on to the runway, where it shall be determined which of these beautiful bitches goes bust. While they were beating their faces with sixteen tons of that make-up they are always hawking (the product placement can be a little heavy handed—that Target bag stole most every scene) the claws REALLY came out between Vivacious (who keeps hitting everyone over the head with her “original club kid” cache), our friend Trinity (who thinks she’s gunna be Beyonce—bwahahahahaha! Bless) and Bianca (who says Trinity looks more like “Sammy Davis Jr. in a Beyonce wig” because, you know, TOTAL RACIST.) Bianca is just a little instigating shithead, if you ask me. (Aside: my boyfriends met her in New Orleans over Mardi Gras and assure me she is just the sweetest little thang. I’m sticking to my guns: BIANCA SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. So there.)
Anyhoozitz, the runway! Along with the usual crew of judges were guests Linda Blair, who appears to still be living (“I can’t believe you’re here…my head is spinning!”, says Ru), and some chick from Game of Thrones who I’ve never heard of (I just got through the first season of Orange is the New Black—cut me some slack, I’m a very busy ‘mo!). Courtney Act looked very Spice Girly in a skin tight Australian Flag gown (“It’s flag day!”) Joslyn was very Studio 54-meets-Pocahontas in a shimmery gold lamé number with a disco headband, Trinity was a tangerine nightmare, and…Milk. What can be said. Imagine if Pinocchio and a circus tent had a baby dominatrix. Gia looked like Malificient’s manga sister, Adore was a bore, and I refuse to mention Bianca till she starts being nicer. And Ben? Well. Ben dazzled in her signature pink onesie with the big matching bows (one on the head, one on the tush)! She strutted and pranced like the perfect little minx. Which she is. (BEN! BEN! BEN!) Last was Vivacious, in one of her allegedly “iconic” looks, which must be Googled to be believed. There simply aren’t enough words. But “pointy” would be a good place to start.
Then we got to see the final cuts of the horror flick screen tests! Team Milk: Surprisingly enough, Trinity actually pulled it together and didn’t seem half the hopeless fool she did during the filming (God bless editors, that’s all I’m saying), but poor Milk was really very not very. Darienne still stole the scene, however. Team Adore: Yeah, Adore was still awful. And poor Vivacious as the scary head. Poor, poor Vivacious. Poor team Adore. Poor everyone.
Team Milk won the challenge, which just about made Trinity burst into tears of joy, and Darienne! Last week Darienne dangled by her Lee Press-ons on the edge of certain oblivion, but this week she bounced back in a stunning rebound that left her the WINNER of this challenge!
The judges were fairly vicious (read: “honest”) to team Adore. April took it on the chin from Michele Visage, who called her lesbian real estate agent character “flat”. (“I didn’t get lesbian,” she tells her. “I got BOY.”) Gia got slapped for lack of technique, and Adore really got her ass chewed out, and certainly not in the way she usually hopes. (She started to cry, which was nice.) They all loved Ben, naturally. Who wouldn’t? (The judges confided that had Bendela been on the winning team, she most likely would have won the challenge altogether. ADORE, I BLAME YOU. God dammit.)
When the bacon was all boiled down, Vivacious and April were put up for elimination because WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT! April? Really? Adore or at least Gia’s necks should have been on the chopping block years before poor April. A crock, I tells ya. A crock!
And the lip-synch challenge begins! These two really seemed to be lip-synching for their lives—the most ferocious and energetic life-lip-synch in the herstory of the thing. It made me sorry to see either of them go. But the wheel must turn and a queen must burn, and the fickle finger of fate pointed right at a poor old Vivacious, so she and her many strange heads hightailed their frocks back to the Big Apple to get her hiding place ready for when they release Michael Alig. A shame. Also kind of a relief.
ANWAY! GOOD RIDDANCE VIVACIOUS! BEN LIVES TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! This is all getting just so dreadfully exciting! We can only hope and pray that next week there’s a LOT less crying. (Goooo BEN!)