1. "Abe Lincoln would not have" gone on Funny or Die, Bill O'Reilly says.

O'Reilly writes history books—he's even the author of one horribly flawed book about Lincoln—so you'd think he'd know about Lincoln's propensity for telling dirty jokes.

2. Meanwhile, on the celebrity gossip websites:

AshleyMadison.com is offering a cool $1 million for the rights to an 8 mm film purportedly showing former Pres. John F. Kennedy, his brother Robert, and iconic sex symbol Marilyn Monroe engaged in a ménage à trois.

On the one hand, I have a hard time believing that either of the Kennedy brothers would agree to being filmed. On the other hand, I guess if you're having sex with Marilyn Monroe, you'd probably want a record of that.