Cold War II: Crimea declares its independence from Ukraine by a 97 percent vote and asks to join the Russian Federation, the US imposes sanctions, and a Russian news anchor reminds us that they are "capable of turning the U.S.A. into radioactive dust." ("That escalated quickly," Dan Savage notes.)

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin Praises Russian Paralympics Athletes: For their "dominant performance" in Sochi.

Malaysia Airlines Co-Pilot's Last Recorded Words: "All right, good night," he reportedly said to ground controlafter one of the jet's communications systems already had been switched off, which has "sharpened suspicions that one or both of the pilots may have been involved in the plane's disappearance." Meanwhile, the enormous search continues and Malaysian police examine a flight simulator owned by one of the pilots... "Investigators haven't ruled out hijacking, sabotage, pilot suicide or mass murder, and they are checking the backgrounds of all 227 passengers and 12 crew members, as well as the ground crew, to see if links to terrorists, personal problems or psychological issues could be factors."

Two Seattle Firefighters Under Investigation for Allegedly Beating a Homeless Man: It happened in Pioneer Square on Saturday night. Hey, isn't that the SPD's... no, it's too awful. Look at these details:

The veteran firefighters were off duty when they and a woman accompanying them became involved in a tussle Saturday evening at the Seattle Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Occidental Park. The woman has not been identified.

According to Seattle police, the woman began yelling at the homeless man who was sleeping on the memorial and then kicked him. One of the firefighters hit the homeless man with a stick and the other firefighter joined in. Police said it appeared that the firefighters and the woman were intoxicated.

These people are allegedly our protectors—all of us. We've got to make this stop.

4.4 Earthquake in Los Angeles: Centered near Sherman Oaks, near the intersection of Mulholland Drive and the 405. No injuries reported, and no bagels fell off the shelves at Noah's in Westwood.

Watch KTLA anchors dive under their desk.

It's Saint Patrick's Day: And Guinness joins mayor Bill de Blasio in boycotting the anti-gay New York parade. Let's all have a Guinness! Slàinte! (And here's how to pronounce that.)

In Other Guinness News: Clackamas, Oregon, man breaks world's record for heaviest sumo-style deadlift in one minute. Calf-fetishists, you will want to see this photo. The triumph, however, ends on this terribly sad note: "The powerlifting event benefitted powerlifter and bouncer Brian Rizzo, who was shot on Jan. 11, 2014 while working at the Mystic Gentleman's Club."