Far be it from me to indulge base hyperbole, but: BEST. FUCKING. EPISODE. EV-AHHHRRRR. And certainly the most desperately anticipated. The Snatch Game! Where drag queens go to SHINE or to BUURRRRRN.

Okay, let’s cut to the damn spoilers (I just can’t hold back!)…


Everything’s coming up Bendela, and Episode Five is all hers—from her thrilling Snatch Game victory, to her genius imitation of RuPaul on the runway, to her beautiful and touching moment in the confessional that had me in tears. She told us the story of the death of her mother when she was 13, and her struggles with self-esteem. It was the most honest and powerful confessional that’s ever happened. "If I had not had this period in my life that was so dark, I never would have created an alter ego that was so light," she told the crowd at the live viewing party at Century Ballroom. Tears, I tell you.

So! We open with LaGanja crying her face off for no good reason as usual. (Boohoo! Everyone is so mean to me! Boohoohoo!) Everyone is still reeling from the loss of April, and rivalries are forming hard. It’s Darrienne vs. Milk and Bianca vs. everyone else. Milk is getting weirder by the second, and Darrienne says, “We’re all playing major league baseball here, and Milk is playing checkers.” Trinity is just glad to still be kicking.

They decided to skip the mini challenge entirely this episode so they could focus on hours of Bianca rolling her eyes instead. Did her mamma fail to inform her that her face was gonna freeze like that? And so the action moves directly to…

The Snatch Game! This is a RuPaul re-imagining (RuMagining?) of the famous 60's game show. It’s all about characterization. The queens each chose a famous character to be, and form an ersatz celebrity panel. It’s arguably the most important challenge of the season, and in fine tradition, a Seattle queen sweeps the game AGAIN! Two years running! GO! BEN! GO! BEN! Last year Jinkx Monsoon triumphed with her now famous portrayal of Little Edie Beale, and Ben took it all with a brilliant portrayal of Maggie Smith (the Dowager Countess, Professor McGonagal). Bianca played Judge Judy like a bitchy fiddle and pretended she didn’t know it was RuPaul’s favorite character, the huge sneaky brown noser! I forgot what Joslyn did as usual (watch, she’ll end up winning), Trinity went for Nicki Minaj, Darrienne did Paula Deen (a little too well), Adore was Anna Nicole (I noticed no difference whatsoever). Everyone else was irrelevant.

Finally, the Runway Challenge, which was to recreate RuPaul’s best looks (not a bit narcissistic). Courtney replicated Ru’s Bob Mackey dress to perfection, Milk killed it as boy Ru in a bald wig and giant glasses, and Ben dressed as Ru from the Drag Race Season 3 finale to take it all the way home for a win! I feel faint.

In the end, Gia and Laganja were forced to lip-synch, and that bishy fishy Gia Gunn FINALLY went belly up, just like Bianca predicted she would. My dreams, they're all coming true all at once! My own prediction: Ben and Bianca are in the top three, and Joslyn will go home next. But don’t quote me on that.