Holy shit! Ok, uh... have you watched yet? Watch the damn thing. Things. TWO nail-biting, barn-burning back-to-back episodes this week:

Two desperate lip-synchings! Two celebrity guest judge panels! Twice the thrills, the heartache, the commercial breaks, the padding, the pain! RuPaul is clearly trying to kill me.

We begin in the aftermath of another breathless elimination (good bye, sweet Milk! How they failed to grasp your vision…). Our former friend/current snatchola Darrienne seems to be just busting to become this season’s Roxy Andrews (who was, um, last season's snatchola), Courtney is frustrated because Ru told her to stop relying so much on her damn prettiness all the time, I think Trinity was mad because she was in the Bottom Two AS USUAL but of course it’s impossible understand a word she’s saying (#mushmouth), and Adore is bouncing all over the damn room like a coked-up pixie BECAUSE SHE FINALLY WON SOMETHING. LaGanja is pouting, like she does. Ben joked, “I purposely didn’t get into the Top Three this time so I wouldn’t have to stay on my feet for so long!” which of course made Darrienne’s hammy little head EXPLODE. (#jealous.) That little green-eyed queen has elevated eye-rolling to the level of Olympic sport. Have another piece of pie and take a nap, girl.

Let's just skip the LaGanja vegetables thing.

The main challenge! The queens were tasked to create an ad campaign for RuPaul’s own line of cosmetics, Glamazon, which kind of seems like a cheesy maneuver to score some free marketing, but whatever. This time around the winner of the mini-challenge MEANT JACK SHIT, because Ru broke from tradition by picking the teams herself. Ben got stuck with Darrien. Of course. TENSE. They were to pair up and create commercials geared towards specific make-up hungry demographics: Bianca and Trinity pandered to “working women”, Adore and LaGanja got “mean girls”, and Ben and Darrienne? Well they were asked to hawk RuPaul’s face paint to “cougars” because FUCK RUPAUL. That's why.

Bianca and Trinity had some really touching tough-love moments (gag, wretch, barf) and Bianca managed to pull Trinity’s bacon out of the fire for the five hundredth time. Can they just get a room? Darienne and Bendela were clearly a little too over the top with their characterization of cougars (the faces they were pulling were “not attractive,” noted Michele Visage—one of the most astute things she’s said all season). Courtney and Joslyn were frankly just vague and confusing. (Also, really, really pretty.) What’s really sad about those two is Joslyn confessed her deep admiration for Courtney—practically puked adulation down the front of her frock—and Courtney treated her like trash. Adore was clearly the star of the challenge, and she and LaGanja won, which was CRIMINAL. There is no justice. But brace yourself! It’s gets worse...

Ben is put up for elimination.

Yes, wipe your tears and read that again: after enjoying a comfortable spot in the top three almost every week thus far, our girl Ben is put on the chopping block along with my hopes, my dreams, and that blathering fool Darrien, who seems determined to drag Ben down with her. Dizzy little turd burglar.

I mean Darrienne has been in peril since the moment she waddled into the studio. This is the third time she’s been up for the old heave-ho. Sadly, she has clearly been singing the chosen song, “Point of No Return” by En Vogue, into her hairbrush since Regan was in office. Ben looked like she wanted to murder her with her bare hands. The moment RuPaul said the devastating words nobody ever wants to hear, "Darrienne Lake! Shantay, you STAY”…

My heart stopped.

My scrotum clenched up.

And the entire room at the Century Ballroom viewing party went INSANE. Ben was clearly ready to bust into hot and terrible tears, when suddenly…BRAIN MELTING FAKE OUT! “By the power invested in me, by me,” says RuPaul, “Shantay, YOU STAY. I want to see more,” pulling our dear Ben back from the brink, and she lives to fight another day! No elimination! Whew.


I don’t think my heart can take much more of this shit.

And now some even more of this shit!

Episode 8, "The Queens of Comedy" may be all about the funnies, but it begins as shady as fuck. This time all the hateful focus is on LaGanja THANK GOD. She is all wet and blubbery again, this time because everyone is picking on her—the way she talks, the way she coasted on other's talent (i.e. ADORE just two minutes ago), and how she cries ALL. The DAMN. TIME. All valid points.

Thank sweet baby Sheesus the mini-challenge moves in swiftly to perk up the pall. The queens are tasked to draw silly little eyes on their chins and lip-synch upside down. Tres amusant! The highlight was Adores chin face falling off. My new boyfriend Joslyn wins the challenge with flying, um, chin, and gets to set the order the queens will appear in the main challenge—the stand-up smackdown!

The queens seemed to go fifty flavors of cuckoo while working on their routines in the studio—oh dear Ben waxed a tad schizophrenic by mugging and talking to herself as she wrote her funnies, and LaGanja was queerly camping out under a table because, as Bianca notes, she "clearly needs more attention".

Darrienne is up first, and sadly, she's pretty dang funny, the vile, Ben-hating monster, and of course Bianca Del Rio (Top Three! Mark my words!) was a confident tornado of really rude hilariousness. Wham! Bam! Slam, slam, SLAM. And Ben? Well, it wasn't Ben's finest moment—she actually got heckled. "Tell us a joke!" some old codger from the septuagenarian crowd cackled—and you know? The heckler was none other than the old army dude that Jinkx dressed up as Liza Minnelli last season! Rude old coot. At this point I REALLY started worrying for Ben's continued presence in this competition...

Thankfully however, there was a horrible train wreck in a giant pink cotton candy wig to distract everyone from Ben's unfunny foibles, and its name was LaGanja Estranga, whose jokes flew like a flock of lead pelicans. She pranced, she fumbled, she told an old woman that her vagina was dry, and when she got called out for it by the judges SHE EXPLODED into a storm of blubbery tears and wild justifications, AS USUAL. (Yawn.) She and adorable Joslyn were left to lip-synch for their lives (Ben is safe! Woohooo! #teamdelacreme!), and I am overjoyed to report that the weeping vale of self-pity and woe at long last took her big blond victory curl, her endless blubbering and sashayed...the fuck..away. Good riddance.

Overall, what would Ben say? I think Ben would say:

And also:

Predictions! Joslyn is going to come up strong from the rear (teehee!) and possibly make the Top Three, Courtney Act will shock the world by going down (teehee!) in the next two weeks, Trinity will probably go next, and Ben and Bianca will continue in the lead. But don't quote me on that.