Have you heard of the Bike Master Plan? No? It's an evil plot—it's in the name, master plan—to ban all motor vehicles from Seattle and force your ailing 80-year-old mother into mounting a bike that's too tall for her and riding it up the hill to the top of Queen Anne just to fetch her prescriptions from the drug store.

She'll never make it, but the Bike Master Plan doesn't care.*

  • City of Seattle
"This is not about bikes versus cars," said Seattle City Council member Tom Rasmussen this afternoon, before the council unanimously passed the plan. Really, Rasmussen? You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Look at the map—the projected routes contained in the plan are all there. I see cycletracks in blue, neighborhood greenways in green, bike paths in red, but there's nothing—nothing—for cars, trucks and SUVs. All the streets are gone, vanished. A genocide of roadways. Open your eyes, sheeple.

"I think it's unacceptable to have a single traffic fatality in this city," said firebrand bike strongman Mike O'Brien (I saw him in person riding one of these two-wheeled instruments of death on Yesler yesterday, smiling menacingly at those of us on foot as he went past), before voting for the plan, which will require roughly $20 million per year over the next twenty years to fully realize.

Sally Bagshaw one-upped him, though, delivering this paean to the cyclist illuminati that runs Seattle with its bicycle-gloved fist: "I'd like to see it done in a quarter of the time."

That earned her a hearty round of chuckles from her fellow municipal legislators, who seem to think they won't have the budgetary resources to make it happen so fast. But Big Bicycle will get its way, I'm sure of it. And before long Seattle will resemble a dark hellscape of cycletracks, where every family looks exactly like this one:

That child looks terrified. Get out while you still can, people. I'm moving to Dallas.

*Seattle Bike Blog has a great rundown of the plan and today's vote.