...and I was excited, because the three-blade razors were pretty great when compared to old-fashioned two-blade razors. Then came the four-blade razors, and I just couldn't even be bothered because the three-blade razors worked so well. I've heard from trusted friends that the five-blade razors work really well, that they're as impressive an evolutionary step from the three-blade razors as the three-blade razors were from the two-blade razors. But I still haven't tried the five-blade razors, because I love this Onion story too much.

But now they're putting the razors on a ball, and I just don't know what to think anymore.

The blade itself is mounted on a large, ball-like armature that swivels to let it follow the curves of a face ever so slightly more accurately, capturing more hairs on each pass and cutting them a whole 23 microns (about one-fortieth of a millimeter) shorter.

Apparently, it's called a "ProGlide FlexBall," and I just don't think I can get behind this.