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1. ANNA MINARD takes leave of reality in the news section this week to hail the return of disgraced former mayor Mike McGinn. In reality, The Stranger's failed favorite merely shuffled through City Hall to praise the filing of a divisive and ill-considered transportation initiative, but to hear Minard tell it, McGinn is the Tolkien-inspired King come to reclaim his throne. Will future generations of Seattleites point to Minard's story as the moment when The Stranger completely divorced from reality and started reporting on a fictional Seattle in which The Stranger still had influence? Or did that moment happen in a previous issue? Support your claim with evidence.

2. In his review of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY derides a superhero film as being targeted at 10-year-old boys. On your best stationery, write a brief note to Mr. Humphrey informing him that Spider-Man is now, always has been, and always will be intended for an audience of 10-year-old boys. Try not to make him cry tears of impotent kidult rage with your note.

3. The music section opens with ANDREW HALL writing this sentence: "The last few years have seen more Pacific Northwest rock records go big out of town than usual." Presumably, Mr. Hall is too young to remember the grunge years, in which local rock records "went big" out of town with frightening regularity. On the same stationery you used to disabuse Mr. Humphrey of his idiotic nerd-notions, please inform Mr. Hall that the 1990s existed. Break it to him gently.

4. For what feels like the 900th time, BRENDAN KILEY reviews a staging of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? For once, let's leave Kiley's imbecilic ravings out of the equation entirely and address a larger issue. With all these tired restagings of the same six plays, is a newspaper theater section still relevant in this day and age? Imagine if the publishing industry only produced reissues of Agatha Christie novels, or if Hollywood only released old Bond movies again and again; would those artforms still be covered by local newspapers? Why, then, does theater still earn coverage?

5. Pulitzer Prize finalist (really!) JEN GRAVES writes about quilting this week. Which of the following blockbuster stories will Ms. Graves unveil in next week's Stranger?

a. The high-stakes world of basket weaving.

b. This thing I just discovered called Etsy—have you heard of it?

c. The transgressiveness of people who write swears in needlepoint.