I am on vacation for all of July. But I've invited Dr. David J. Ley to handle the Savage Love letters of the day. Dr. Ley is a writer and clinical psychologist who has written very smartly about sex, in his books The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives. Find his other writing at Psychology Today and his Twitter: @DrDavidLey. Dr. Ley will be answering your questions all this week. —Dan

I need dating advice for my 25-year-old younger sister who has high-functioning Autism. She was until recently in a relationship of a little over a year with a guy also on the Autism spectrum, who she met through mutual friends and who was her first partner. The relationship was great for her in so many ways: it increased her confidence and they were in the same boat with a lot of things, including taking it super-duper-slowly in terms of sexual intimacy. They broke up, and she has tried to meet someone else through friends, but hasn't been successful. She's now asking me for advice on how to approach internet dating (which is how I met my husband).

On the one hand, this scares me silly, as she has minimal normal-world dating experience, and cognitively finds it harder to pick up on social queues, i.e. to do the stuff you need to do to screen creeps and keep yourself safe with online dating. On the other hand, the internet seems like a fantastic potential resource for her to find a partner. Part of the wrinkle here is that due to my parents' longterm denial about her difference, she doesn't strongly identify as Autistic, and so referring her to resources specifically for Autistic dating would likely make her feel labelled and ghettoized in a way I fear might cause a backlash. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me about how to give her advice in this situation.

Concerned Older Sister

Dr. Ley's advice after the jump...

Dear COS,

Big sisters are great. Even when they knock you down as a kid. My big sister once knocked me down for calling her a bad name. But, she always, always stood by me. I’ve got a physical disability, and my big sis was always just like you, protective, encouraging, realistic and supportive. So, on behalf of your little sister, and in recognition to all big sisters out there, thanks.

Are there resources out there for Autistic dating? I dunno. There are resources for Christians, swingers, farmers, Christian swingers, Christian farmers, and probably even Christian swinging farmers. So why not Autistic dating?

But, I’m not sold on that for your sister. At that high-functioning level (what used to be called Asperger’s Disorder before the latest diagnostic manual update), she’d frankly just fit in better with the self-described nerds, geeks and computer programmers that really invented Internet dating. Labeling her based on her Autism treats that as the most significant thing about her. It’s not. After all, she’s got a great big sister and supportive (alright, maybe overly-supportive) parents. Those things are equally significant.

Like every big sister, you don’t want her to find somebody that’s right for her because she’s Autistic, you just want her to find somebody that is right for her. So don’t identify her as Autistic in the profile. If you want to help her say that she’s sometimes a little awkward and clueless in relationships, that just sounds endearing and honest. If you identify her as Autistic, you could even be putting her at risk for being sought out by someone who just wants to date her because of that (for good or for bad).

She’s asking you for help. So help her. Don’t be in charge, don’t take over, just help. Be like the kid in that American Pie movie who helped his geeky dad create a dating profile. Help her with what she says, the pic she chooses. Help her to weed through the many asinine, stupid, annoying responses, and the unasked for naked pics and sexual solicitations. Help her to search through the profiles for people who she might mesh with, who are also less than adept in relationships, but are honest and interested in finding someone like them. Prepare her for the fact that Internet dating can be hit or miss. Help her to plan out safety and check-in plans for those first meet-ups. Maybe you and she can try some double-dating with these guys, bringing along your husband for that second opinion.

Those are all important rules for Internet dating for everybody, regardless of disability or not. Everybody should have an Internet-dating buddy, or big sister. And know that Autistic or not, your little sister can pick herself up if she falls down, she can survive if she gets hurt. She had a good big sister who taught her how to be strong, independent and to ask for help when she needs it.