• Ten Thirty One Productions

This Saturday night, most of you will be out drinking, twerking, vaping, selfie-ing, and maybe even remembering to catch some music at Capitol Hill Block Party. I, however, will be somewhere far preferable: out in the woods, trapped in a horror movie.

The Great Horror Campout is exactly what it sounds like. Lots of people pay money to spend the night being terrorized by a mishmash of scary-movie tropes. In the promotional materials, I’ve spotted Man with Burlap Sack on Head, Eerie Abandoned Campsite (Including Suspiciously Old Tent), Angry Redneck Gripping Axe, Cauldron of Body Parts, and Human Bent in Many Wrong Directions. Clearly, this is serious business.

Per the GHC website, here is the list of mandatory items to bring:

• Sleeping Bag [sure]
• Pillow [of course]
• Flashlight [obvs]
• Dossier [good to know in advance what might eat you]
Old White T-Shirt (if you’re playing Blood Tag) [I do not know what Blood Tag is]

And here are some other recommended items:

• Coolers/Picnic Baskets [sensible]
• Water & Snacks [to fill the coolers/picnic baskets]
• Change of Clothes [because of all the blood?]
• Snorkel Mask […well, that escalated quickly]
• Underwater Flashlight [who actually has these??]
• Snuggle Bear and Blanky [touché, organizers]
• Bathing Suit [probably should’ve come before goddamn SNORKEL]
• Towel [never forget your towel!]

Note that neither of these lists suggests a handgun, flamethrower, or baseball bat with a bunch of nails through the end. Clearly, the organizers have overlooked one major, dangerous possibility: an ACTUAL SERIAL KILLER using the event as a cover!

  • Ten Thirty One Productions

Think about it. What better chance could a budding serial killer ask for than a bunch of city-dwelling dipshits tossed out into the woods and well prepared for horror? Terrified screaming, tripping over a dead body, friends being snatched away into the darkness… we’ll ignore it all! (Confidential to potential serial killers: While I may look like an easy target, I possess a vast arsenal of deadly weapons disguised as everything from pinecones to my own ears.)

Depending on what kind of person you are, this whole event probably sounds like either a totally badass adventure-party or the recreational equivalent of walking in on Bill O’Reilly in the bathroom. I’m on team adventure-party.