Piloted by the US Navy Flight Demonstration Squadron, the Blue Angels are zipping around over Seattle right now. The Stranger got an e-mail from Blue Angels Public Affairs this morning saying the Blue Angels would be flying past the Space Needle at 12:30 p.m., on their way to their appearance at Seafair, and that if we had any questions we could call their public affairs officer, Lt. Amber Lynn Daniel. After reading about Blue Angels pilots looking at porn while flying, I've had a lot of questions about the Blue Angels. So I called the number provided. Amber Lynn Daniel wasn't available, but I spoke to someone of some sort of rank. Whoever happened to be on Blue Angels phone duty in Pensacola, Florida. This conversation really happened.

Is Amber Lynn in?

She's not available, sorry.

I'm calling from Schluggs International Breast Magazine. We hear your pilots like to look at porn in the cockpit while they're traveling at extremely high speeds. We'd like to send you our latest edition. The woman in our main spread has breasts that are especially large, and we think your guys will really like it. It'll go good at high speeds. Her left breast has a tattoo of a B-17 bomber on it. And her right one has a B-52. She's from Kansas.

I'm not cleared to talk about any of this.

Where's Amber Lynn? Does she look at the porn, too?

I'm not allowed to give out information like that, I'm sorry. If you want to leave your number and a message, I'll make sure she gets it.

Tell her Schluggs called.

What's your name?

George W. Bush.

George W. Bush?

That's right. And if my fighter pilots need to look at porn in order to fly at their peak level, then let's let them look at porn. I don't understand what all the uproar is about. If porn helps my guys when they're flying two feet apart from each other at Mach speeds, I want them to look at all the porn they want. People don't understand how difficult it is to do what the Blue Angels do. They are performing incredibly technical maneuvers and pulling massive g-forces that make normal people pass out.

You don't need to tell me that, sir.

I want them to be as relaxed and clear-thinking as possible. If tits and ass and lube and anal-bead rubber duckies with applesauce is what they need to fly with a steady hand, then so be it. If they need butter on their dicks to fly, get 'em butter. Or what, mayonnaise? Get it on 'em.

I think you need to speak directly with Lt. Daniel on this.

Just tell her that her crate of Schluggs is on the way. Two pallets. Have you ever seen "Two Girls One Squid"? Wait till you see this shit.

I can't talk about any of this. You need to speak to Lt. Daniel.

What happens if a pilot has an orgasm at the exact moment they hit the speed of sound? Does Lt. Amber Lynn like applesauce on her rubber duckies?

[No response.]

Who painted the dick on y'all's roof? I hear you could see it on Google Maps. Nice job. That's a mighty big dick. Wish I coulda seen it.

I’m ending this call now. [Hangs up.]