A Tale of Two Nine Year Olds: The single mom in South Carolina who let her nine-year-old daughter play in a park alone while she worked at McDonalds—play "alone" in a popular park where 40 other kids were playing—was arrested, charged with felony child endangerment, and McDonalds fired her. The white parents who let their nine-year-old daughter fire an Uzi at an Arizona gun range—which lead to the death of the 39-year-old gun instructor—won't face any criminal charges. The single mom whose daughter was playing in a park is black and poor, the parents of the girl who was playing with an Uzi are white and middle class.

Insecurity States: US intelligence agencies say that a dozen Americans have "traveled to Syria to fight for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, the militant group that the Obama administration says poses the greatest threat to the United States since Al Qaeda." And in the UK, which has identified hundreds of UK citizens fighting with ISIS, the government has raised its "terrorist threat level" to severe. "A terrorist attack is 'highly likely' but, based on intelligence, not necessarily 'imminent.'"

Bombs Are Flying, People Are Dying: Shit is ugly in Ukraine and getting uglier with every passing minute. But Canada and Russia demonstrate that, hey, it's still totally possible to have a sense of humor about the whole invading-and-carving-up-your-neighbor thing.

Lazy Hipster Bashing: Tom Philpott at Mother Jones has a point—almond milk is a stupid and wasteful way to consume almonds—but what's with the dumb headline? I never see hipsters buying almond milk at the store. It's always white ladies in yoga pants.

Asshole Not Sorry: Asshole.

$59,365: That's how much money the Internet has raised for Daniel Pierce, the gay kid who was disowned and assaulted—on video—by his hateful family after he came out to them. That'll do, Internet. Pierce deserves sympathy and support; his family deserves scorn and infamy. But the goal of the fundraiser was to get enough money to Daniel to get him on his feet. Mission accomplished. There are lots of kids out there who have been kicked out of the house by their families and most didn't capture the event on video. They also deserve our sympathy and support. I'm going to second Joe Jervis: please consider making a donation to the Ali Forney Center, which aids homeless LGBT youth in New York City, YouthCare, which does great work with LGBT youth in Seattle, or another agency near you.

Wounded Knees: "For the second time this week, a commercial flight was forced to make an emergency landing when two passengers started to fight over the use of reclining seats."

Obama's Suit, Reagan's Sweats: Obama's alleged fashion faux pas—I thought the suit was great—can't hold a candle to St. Ronald Reagan's fashion don't.

Armpit of the Day: Why so coy?

BUMBERSHOOT! It starts tonight! Your complete guide to absolutely everything is HERE.

Sometimes No Means Yes: Last night's hilarious opening segment of the Colbert Report... after the jump...