I’m a 21-year-old straight woman and I’ve been in a relationship for about one year. I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 and my boyfriend is the first person I’ve loved/trusted/had sex with since. We are now doing long distance because he moved far away, but I think I want to try an open relationship because I miss sex and I’m curious about other people. I feel guilty because my wonderful boyfriend is the reason I enjoy sex and feel safe wanting it. Am I being selfish and self-indulgent? My boyfriend is very traditional and it won’t be easy to approach this. How do I know if it’s worth it?

Curious And Terrified

My response after the jump...

You're not obligated to stay with someone forever simply because he played a pivotal role in your sex life—or a healing role or a transformative role or all of the above. You may owe this traditional boy your gratitude, CAT, but you don't owe him the next six or seven decades. And let's be clear: your newfound sense of sexual agency and security isn't a gift he gave you. That's something did for yourself. You took your time, you got help (I trust you got help), and then you went out there and found someone you could trust and be sexual with. The person you are now, CAT? You built that.

Or maybe this is a better way of saying it: You're the reason you enjoy sex and feel safe wanting it now, CAT.

Now you have to ask yourself what you want going forward. If you really, really want this traditional boy—if you love him and want to be with him always—you may have to forgo sex with other people in order to have him. Not getting to satisfy your curiosity about other people may be the price of admission you have to keep him. But if you're not just curious about having sex with other people—if you're interested in dating other people because you might ultimately want to be with someone else (or someones else, plural)—then you should end this relationship. An honest end, however painful, is better and ultimately kinder than a dishonestly negotiated open relationship.

And remember, CAT: just as you have a right to enjoy sex and feel safe while doing so, CAT, you have a right to initiate and terminate sexual and romantic relationships—sometimes that means being "selfish and self-indulgent." You can and should balance your selfishness and self-indulgence with consideration and compassion, but you have a right to explore your sexuality and to enter and exit relationships for your own reasons.