Ladies and gentlemen: I am a sexual being, and... waitasecond! Why's everybody running out of the room? Look. I'm not necessarily asking any of you to have sex with me at this very moment (unless the previous statement made you insanely HOR-NAAAY!). What I'm trying to say is, that when it comes to human sexuality, I'm a complicated freak—but if you really want to put a label on me, I'm a booty enthusiast... no matter who it's attached to.

That being said, lately I've been having some very complicated feelings... you know... "down there." (NO, I'M NOT POINTING AT THE DUST BUNNY NEXT TO MY FOOT, I'M POINTING AT MY CROTCH! THE UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOD "DOWN THERE!" SHEESH!!) And the reason I'm having complicated feelings "down there" is because last week NBC released a photo of Allison Williams (you know, Marnie from your favorite show in the world, Girls) dressed up like Peter Pan. Now, the reason she's dressed up like Peter Pan is because NBC had such great (and improbable) success with their live version of The Sound of Music (starring the absolutely TERRRRRRRIBLE Carrie Underwood), they've decided to try it again—by producing a televised live staging of Peter Pan to air in December.

Do I really have to go into why this is an incredibly dumb idea? I didn't think so. Let's just jump straight to the part where Allison Williams as Peter Pan makes my junk tingle.

First of all, Allison Williams is a very attractive lady—we hold this truth to be self-evident. But in the Peter Pan pic released by NBC, she's dressed as a dude... and a super hot dude at that. (Kind of like Justin Bieber, if you didn't want to slap the smirk off his stupid idiot face.) She's wearing this distressed green vest, ripped bicycle shorts, a couple of leather belts, a pair of absolutely adorable boots... and a frayed fishnet T-shirt? (!!!) PANT PANT AH-OOOOH-GAH! Plus she's sitting on a ship's rigging (PANT PANT) and staring lustfully off into the distance like she's gonna bone the first hook-wearing amputee she sees. (Again, AH-OOOOH-GAH!)

Now, the idea of girls dressed up as boys and causing complicated feelings "down there" in boys like me is as old as time itself. However! She's not just any dude... she's Peter mothereffing Pan. And Peter Pan is traditionally, like... what? Maybe 13 years old, tops? The entire point of the story is that he's a BOY who doesn't want to GROW UP. So are you starting to see why my complicated feelings are so complicated? Allison Williams (HOT) dressing up like a hot dude (HOT) who just happens to be 13 years old (NOT HOT!! SUDDENLY NOT HOT!!).

This is not the first time that NBC has tried to trick me into becoming a pedophile. (Remember their show To Catch a Predator? They knew how much I wanted to be on TV... but c'mon! Not that much!) Well, nice try, NBC—but it's not gonna work this time either! Despite Allison Williams's convincing hotness as Peter Pan, I'm going to AVOID your live-action musical when it debuts in December... because the feelings I have "down there" are just too complicated. (And by "down there," I mean my "tinkerbell.")

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

10:00 VH1 I HEART NICK CARTER

Debut!
Featuring the former Backstreet Boy—though I “heart” Howie more.

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Fausto makes an irreversible decision. (Waitasecond… I thought vasectomies were reversible!)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

10:00 IFC GARFUNKEL & OATES

A former bandmate returns to make everyone’s lives miserable.

10:30 FX YOU’RE THE WORST

A flashback episode revealing how Jimmy and Gretchen became “the worst.”

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

10:00 SYFY Z NATION

Debut!
Zombie apocalypse survivors race across the country looking for a cure. (Where have I heard this before?)

10:00 MAX THE KNICK

The hospital is encouraged to buy one of Thomas Edison’s new inventions. Unless it’s the internet—not interested.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Claire is surprised by the evil Captain Jack—who’s a dead ringer for her future husband! (Cue romantic intrigue.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

9:00 ABC THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT

Attack, my Twitter minions! AAAAATTAAAACKKK!

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Johnson tries to help Masters with his sexual difficulties… you know… “down there.”

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere!
There’s only one reason to watch this season: Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Season premiere!
The gang attends a wedding and vows to booty-bang someone by the end of the night.

9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT

Season premiere!
Mindy and Danny try to balance work with boning at work.

Follow me on Twitter “down there.” @WmSteveHumphrey