I'm a 32-year-old gay guy Sydney, Australia. Been out since I was just out of high school, but I've never had vanilla sex nor a relationship—nor have I really ever had any real-world friends. I don't include that last detail to kick off a pity-party as much as for context. I have very little in the ways of relationship skills to work with here! I've been living in something of a social bubble, helping a sibling to raise her children, and I seldom venture outside my relatively isolated suburb.

What I have had is periodic bondage play through Recon. I was 100% sub for quite a long time, 50/50 for quite a long time, but always with pretty frequent tie-ups for me, even as I became really quite good at the tying side of things.

But now I find myself trying to navigate something that I suspect most guys get out of their systems in their teens and twenties: my first boyfriend. First love! First crush! It turns out that this "dating and falling in love" thing is as enjoyable as everyone carries on about after all. We've live a state apart (three hours by car) and we've been seeing each other every month or so since December. My "house uncle" job comes to a close at the end of this year and I expect to be living much nearer to him come the new year.

The rest of the question—and my response—after the jump...

As first loves go, I seem to have hit a jackpot. Similar in age, fit and sexy, smart and kind, and religious without being judgmental. (Recon was not where I expected to meet the first ethical practicing Catholic I've ever encountered!) He's also an absolutely filthy sub/bondage bitch behind closed doors, while still able to have his discretion and self-respect outside. He has managed to awaken a Dominant streak that I never knew I had and I am having an unprecedented amount of fun tying him up and "training" him while still managing to turn it off when it's time for normal "couple affection."

Some time around May I asked if he considered us to be boyfriends and how he felt about me playing with other people I've met on Recon. He asked me not to and I responded quite earnestly that he was all I needed. I disabled my profile, and do not regret disabling my profile. I think I navigated that rather sensibly—no self-destructive first love shenanigans or impulsive acts that might result in relationship destruction—but here comes the BUT that leads me to ask Mr. Savage for his advice.

After some gentle attempts to get him to tie me up went nowhere I managed to draw this out of him: He finds the sight of his Master (me!) bound and helpless to be a turn-off and he says it undermines what we have, his feelings for me, etc. I think I can understand that. But his inability to tie me up combined with kinky monogamy means that our relationship will soon become untenable. I knew I liked being tied up and helpless before I knew I liked cock. So I will need to seek out bondage tops elsewhere (with her permission) or end this relationship (and break both our hearts).

I have no interest in sexual contact with anyone else past the hand teasing and JO that most bondage Doms use to get a tied sub squirming. I'm even prepared to go without that minimal contact, Mr. Savage, but those sorts of limits could result in my being a very boring and not every attractive bondage sub. Those limits could, in fact, make it nearly impossible for me to find anyone willing to bind me.

I hope you managed to bear with me through that melodramatic and emotional midnight essay, because I have finally gotten to the question part!

When and how do I broach this subject while maximizing my chances of keeping him? How do I convince him that I was honest when I made the promise while basically reneging on it and explaining why it is no longer tenable? And how might I play with old or new bondage partners and have him know that I am not cheating on him sexually? How do I balance disclosure or openness while not destroying the "Master" illusion that he seems to find so fragile? I want to have the best possible suggestions I can to offer him before I broach the subject.

He's coming here next weekend, and then I'm visiting him for a long weekend shortly after that. So this discussion is one I would like to have soon. But I'm kind of terrified of screwing it up or finding out he's so inflexible that no compromise works.

This Is Enormously Difficult

A BDSMer who plays the dominant or submissive role depending on his mood or his feelings about his play/life/sex partner—someone who enjoys tying or being tied, spanking or being spanked, CBT/TT'ing or being CBT/TT'd, etc.—is called a "switch." There are lots of kinky switches out there; a quick scroll through the profiles on Recon, for instance, turns up very few kinky gay men who describe themselves as 100% Dom or 100% sub. But switches don't switch it up with every or play/life/sex partner. A kinky gay guy might be one guy's Dom and another guy's sub because Guy #1 brings out his inner sub and Guy #2 brings out his inner Dom. Guy #1, for his part, might be some other guy's sub; Guy #2 might be some other guy's Dom.

I'm sure you know from switches, TIED, seeing as you are one. The issue is that your wonderful boyfriend is 1. into monogamy and 2. into seeing you in the dominant role exclusively. Being monogamous and dominant is a problem because it means you'll never get tied up again and bondage—being on the receiving end of it—isn't something that you can live without.

Nor should you have to. But you agreed to live without it and now you've got to walk back that agreement. And here's the best way to broach/reopen the subject while maximizing your chances of keeping that nice Catholic bondage bitch: agree to his terms. Strictly monogamous behavior, no outside sexual or bondage contacts, for the time being. Tell the boyfriend you so badly want this relationship to work that you're willing to go without being tied up yourself—but only for now, not forever. Reassure him that there's no rush, there's no one waiting in the wings with a coil of rope, but he'll need to eventually give you permission to get your bondage bottom needs met elsewhere. And all you ask in exchange—the only thing you're going to ask of him while you go without being tied up for the time being—is that he hang out socially with some of your bondage buddies and past play partners. That should help him see that 1. these guys aren't a threat to your relationship, 2. lots of kinky guys switch for different play partners, and 3. two guys like you can have a committed romantic and D/s relationship while still playing with others.

As for assurances that you're only doing JO with other guys, well, he'll just have to trust you on that.

But be clear with your boyfriend: If being with him means not being tied up for the rest of your life, you're not going to be with him for the rest of your life. And if tells you that knowing you're getting tied up by other guys ruins once in a while ruins his ability to see you as his Master? Tell him to suspend his disbelief and pretend that you don't get tied up by anyone else—and we know he can suspend his disbelief where you're concerned, TIED, because he's already doing it. You aren't really his Master, he's not really your slave. Your enjoyment of each other—your enjoyment of those roles—requires you both to suspend your disbelief. You're just pretending: you don't really own him, you can't really sell him, you doing all these terrible things to him with his consent and you would immediately stop doing all these terrible things to him if he withdrew his consent.

Pretending you're his Master, pretend you're not getting tied up by other guys—the former requires a much bigger imaginative leap/suspension of disbelief than the latter.

Good luck.