I'm a 37-year-old bisexual woman. In my previous relationship of three years I often discovered my "straight" boyfriend contacting m4m postings on Craigslist. I brought up what I had found and he said that he was curious but would never act on it. Well, that's sure not what it looked like from the emails I read. I'm not bothered by bisexuality. I'm not a hypocrite. I'm bothered by lying, sneaking, and likely cheating.

We've since split (for other reasons) and I'm dating someone new. He uses my computer and I saw the same thing happening in the history. He actually created a CL post while sitting next to me on his own laptop. Me, being creative, saw the listing and created an email address to respond to it. I needed proof, I guess, that it was what it looked like. Oblivious, he answered my email while sitting across from me at my kitchen table and made plans to meet me. I guess I have proof. I, as the fake responder, cancelled the plan (I felt bad he was going to be stood up lol) and he stayed the night with me. We did not have sex, though he clearly wanted sex thirty minutes earlier.

Anyway, I'm not upset about him wanting to be with a man. Again, it's the sneakiness (which I'm clearly better at) that offends me. We've only been together for 6 months. I don't expect to know all of his secrets. I didn't even want to. It just presented itself to me!

In your opinion, are all of my boyfriends gay? Or this normal for "straight" men to do? Should I tell him that I know? Should I be upset?

Take This Freaking Nonsense

My response after the jump...

I'm going to take your questions one at a time, TTFN.

1. Are all your boyfriends gay? I couldn't tell you. Your last two boyfriends could be gay, TTFN, or they could be bi. Or they could be omnisexual or they could be pansexual. I think we can safely rule out demisexual, as they're seeking out anonymous sexual contacts, and I don't think heteroflexible applies in either of their cases. (A heteroflexible guy might be comfortable with some incidental guy-on-guy contact during a MMF threesome, or he might accept the offer of a blowjob from a gay or bi or pan or omni male buddy while he kicks back and watches some straight porn, but a heteroflexible guy doesn't go online to hunt for cock.)

What your last two boyfrends are not, TTFN, is straight.

They may be straight-identified guys, of course, but they're not 100 percent hetero in their interests or in their actions. And while "these two straight-identified guys aren't straight" shouldn't be a controversial thing to say, TTFN, we live in the era of Very Special Snowflake and entertaining the tiniest doubt about someone's professed sexual orientation—let alone expressing that doubt—is considered a hate crime by people who have no idea what a hate crime actually is. (This is a hate crime.)

2. Is this normal for "straight" men to do? No. Straight men don't normally seek out other men for sex—although the advent of internet, the waning of homophobia, the waxing of heteroflexibility, and the realization that there are lots of guys out there who would be happy to blow them while they kick back and watch some straight porn without asking anything of them in return has lead some legit and desperate-for-head straight guys to respond to no-recip m4m postings on CL and elsewhere.

How can a girl tell if her boyfriend is a straight-but-willing-to-get-blown guy and not a closeted gay or bi or pan or omni guy? If the messages you found while snooping say, "Sure, dude, you can suck my cock," he may be a straight guy who's desperate for head. If the messages he swapped with another dude say, "Hey, dude, I want to suck your cock," then your boyfriend isn't straight.

3. Should you tell him you know? I don't know how you feel about the guy you're currently with, TTFN, but if you want to try to make this relationship work, and if you want him to be honest about who he is and what he wants, then tell him you know. If you don't object to him having sex with other men so long as he doesn't lie or sneak around to do it (and so long are you're not neglected and so long as he's safe), you might be able to make this work. If you want a monogamous relationship—if you don't want to be with someone who lies, sneaks, and cheats to get cock—then tell him you know and tell him it's why you're dumping him.

4. Should you be upset? Yes, you should. What your last boyfriend did was shitty. Your current boyfriend is doing the same shitty thing. If the current one made a monogamous commitment to you, he violated that commitment. (In spirit if not in dick. But probably in dick, too.) If you haven't yet discussed sexual exclusivity, now would be a good time.