Female, 42, just dumped by the 48-year-old man I've been dating for six months. It started out as a Craigslist "Casual Encounter" and turned into something wonderful, caring, monogamous/exclusive from early on, and the first opportunity I've ever had to explore D/s (I'm the "s"). He "met someone new." My burning issue: a couple weeks ago I dropped $250 on bondage gear for us, and it's at his house. What's the protocol on sex toys when your boyfriend and Dom dumps you? On one hand I never want to see the stuff again and be reminded of him, and on the other, that was my money and the idea of him tying someone else up with my gear makes me want to cry. And throw up. I'll take any advice on mending a broken heart while you're at it.

Thank you, Dan. I've learned so much from you.

Gutted And Grieving

My response—and a bonus letter—after the jump...

Here's what you should do about your bondage gear: ask your ex-BF/Dom to return it to you. If he does, GAG, throw it away—or sell it on CL to some other kinkster or donate it to your local BDSM group or drop by your local gay leather bar on a Saturday night and ask the doorman to find a good home for your restraints. And if he doesn't return your gear, GAG, that's proof—more proof—that he's a piece of shit and that you're better off without him.

You win either way, GAG: you either get the gear back (which you can then dispose of in a cathartic manner) or you get to feel a tiny bit better about being dumped by this jerk. Because while you may have wanted a Dom, you wanted a wonderful, caring Dom, not a petty and cruel Dom. You thought he was the former, turns out he's the latter. If you had known, GAG, you would've DTMFA'd him before he had a chance to dump you.

And here's how you mend that broken heart: You have a cry, you see some movies, you eat some ice cream, you go to the gym, you hang out with friends, you put some new personal ads up, you meet someone new, you fuck the shit out of that new guy. Repeat as necessary until you're over your ex.

So sorry you're hurting, GAG.

I'm a 32-year-old, mostly-straight female in an open marriage. Our marriage is phenomenal. It's got its ups and downs, but we're amazing partners, loving and stable. I have recently started dating a 26 year old, tall, handsome, incredibly sweet man (with an absolutely ENORMOUS cock) and I'm falling. He is too, I think. My husband is extremely supportive and happy for us both.

The problem is that my 26-year-old hunk is deeply conflicted about dating a married woman. He is extremely close with religious parents and few of his close friends would approve. Despite knowing he doesn't have the time or desire to meet "the one" at this stage in his life, he struggles with the concept of dating someone—particularly with whom he shares such a deep and intimate connection—who will never be his one. I (and my husband) offered to take of my wedding rings around certain people and keep it a bit on the DL for now. However, he feels that if he were to really do this, he'd need to be able to be open and honest with people in his life and he doesn't feel he can do that. At the same time, he won't cut things off either because, frankly, we're having too much fun.

What can I do? I don't want to try to convince him of something he doesn't want and I understand his concerns, but I also obviously want him to take a risk and see where this goes.

Holding Onto That Enormous Cock

You've told him what you want (an ongoing, open-ended relationship; his enormous cock), HOTEC, and now you back off and let him decide what he wants.

And if the goal is to hold on to that enormous cock of his for as long as possible, GAG, I would recommend framing the relationship as something casual and short term. (Most relationships wind up being short term, right?) You're not dating, you're hanging out. You're not his girlfriend, you're his FWB. There's no need to come out to his family or friends about dating you because you're not dating. You're just good friends. No one has to know that you're friends who fuck. And he doesn't have to actively lie to anyone, HOTEC, and you and your husband won't have to lie to anyone either. This is an instance where the monogamous assumption ("married couples are monogamous") can work to the benefit of three non-monogamous folks.

If things are still rolling a year from now—if you're still holding on to that enormous cock and it looks like the three of you are moving towards something lasting and triadish—then you can revisit the issue of what to tell people. And a year from now the thought of losing you, or the reality of not being able to be open about who you are and what you mean to him, might seem more daunting than confronting his parents and staring down his friends.