I'm a straight woman married to a wonderful man who claims to be a polyamorous sex addict. He hid both his addiction and his tendency to be polyamorous from me until a few days after we got married. Once we married he also disclosed his desire to participate in BDSM and admitted to having encounters with men and transgender people. While I respect him and appreciate his openness I feel betrayed that he hid these things about himself until after we married. I understand that we live in a judgmental society and that people with his tastes are often ridiculed but I can't help but feel betrayed that he hid such a big part of himself from me. It makes it difficult to trust him.

I am now fearful that if I don't meet his needs he will cheat on me. He has promised me that as long as I meet his sexual needs he will not cheat. But I can't always meet his expectations. He has a very high sex drive and demands not just sex but BDSM sex every day. (Vanilla sex bores him.) I feel that I have to perform and entertain him constantly in the bedroom or I run the risk of being cheated on. He becomes angry with me if I don't meet his needs. Sometimes I just want to make love and not put on a show. I have tried to compromise by doing BDSM on some nights and then having vanilla on others but he doesn't get aroused unless there's BDSM or some other sexual show. I had never been exposed to BDSM or sex with two men or with transgender people before him. I have tried to keep an open mind and to my surprise I find I do like the BDSM sex but I'm afraid of bringing in a third person (male or female) since he has admitted to being polyamorous and I am afraid that it won't be enough to satisfy him since he admits to being a sex addict and has never been faithful to anyone except me.

He threatens me when I'm too tired to put on the BDSM show by saying he is going to go sleep with prostitutes. I don't deprive him. We have sex five to eight times a week. How long can I expect him to be faithful? So far I have been able to do what he likes but the requests are becoming more demanding. He wants me to consider doing a gang bang. I am not comfortable with this. Should I turn a blind eye and let him go fulfill his needs that I cannot fulfill with someone else? Or am I being insecure by not trusting him even though he has admitted to betraying everyone he has ever loved in his past? Do I have some valid concerns? I grew up in a strict Catholic family and was never exposed to different types of sex. How do we reconcile this?

Wanting To Be Open

My response after the jump...

Divorce him, WTBO.

Your husband—if he exists (hope not), if you exist (ditto)—married you under false pretenses. The demands he's made on you since are unreasonable and he is intolerable. I would advise you to get these three things as fast as humanly possible: 1. a lawyer, 2. a therapist, and 3. the fuck out. You're being emotionally and sexually blackmailed by this asshole (if he exists, hope he doesn't), and it sounds like you're suffering from a bad case of Stockholm syndrome (if you exist, hope you don't). DTMFA.

And his excuse for his detestable, unforgivable, grounds-for-divorcable deceit—"Society is so judgmental and people with my tragic flaws are often ridiculed!"—may have had a tiny degree of legitimacy before the internet came along, WTBO, but not anymore. The days when kinky people had no choice but to withhold their kinks until their wedding nights and then spring them on new spouses in the hopes that they would be too embarrassed/Catholic/whatever to leave them are long fucking gone. There are women out there who want what your soon-to-be-ex-husband wants, WTBO, and he coulda/shoulda found himself one on the internet and married her.

On the bright side, WTBO, you discovered that you enjoy BDSM during this brief marriage. Good for you. But you would enjoy it more in the context of a loving, committed, and monogamous marriage. So regard this discovery as a lovely parting gift and go find yourself a guy who isn't a lying, self-pitying, manipulative piece of shit and marry/paddle him.

Bonus letter:

I'm a 30-year-old bi woman married to a GGG man. We both agree that sexual monogamy is not for us, however he is only keen on seeking sexual encounters with other people together (swinging/threesomes). I however desire both sexual and romantic encounters outside our relationship as well. He's happy for me when my other partners are women, and fine with me seeing someone who is transgender, but it does not work for him if I'm with other cis men. I identify as poly and have had sexual/romantic encounters with most of my close circle of friends. I view sex (not necessarily regular) as a natural extension of a friendship if the attraction goes both ways. The women/TG persons I've been with tend to complement my relationship (whether or not they are sexually attracted to my partner), but with men, this does not seem to be possible due to jealousy from both my partner and the new person. I'm frustrated because this jealousy seems guided by some biological imperative, and is negatively limiting. (It has occurred to me though that I've only met the right women/TG persons for exploration beyond my relationship, but just not the right man...)

See, WTBO? There are women out there who are up for the sorts of sexual adventures—some if not all of them—that your husband is attempting to bully you into. So, yeah, your husband was lying when he told you that he had no choice but to marry you under false pretenses. Divorce his ass (if it exists) and good luck to you (if you exist).

P.S. He's already cheating on you. If he exists. Which I hope he doesn't.