My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years now, have been living together for a little over two years, and find a lot of love and support in our relationship. He is a teacher and I am a biologist, we volunteer in the community regularly, have silly dreams of working to make the world a better place, and we are not religious. Last year I finally introduced my partner to my mom—a tough visit because she's been a devout Mormon all her life. I was nervous about this visit because she has always had a rule that unmarried couples sleep in separate bedrooms and abide by all Mormon house rules: no coffee, no alcohol, no PG13- or R-rated movies, no sex for heathens, no being gay—all of her rules are absurd and insulting to me. Oh, and by the way, she got married at 19 and divorced after four years so her "sanctity of marriage" talk is not totally convincing.

I tried to talk to her before coming to visit and at the suggestion of my partner I wrote her a long email explaining why I believe my relationship is not sinful, telling my mom that I love her, and asking if there is a way we can find common ground where we can both feel respected. Her response was mainly hurt and anger, but she decided she'd put us up in a motel a half hour away in a small West Virginia town as a compromise—because she couldn't let us share a bed under her roof. This was a big leap for her based on past behavior. We reluctantly agreed, but it was awful. Her husband is a millionaire and they have plenty of lovely unoccupied guest bedrooms, but she put us up in the shady, dirty, 1950s motel where Psycho could have been filmed, making us feel doubly inferior. I don't want to play the bitchy daughter card, but I am frustrated by how much I have to hold back about my life to maintain a relationship with her and don't want to subject my partner to this degrading situation again.

She really liked my boyfriend and wants us to visit this spring with the same Psycho motel deal. He is obviously not excited about going, but neither of us know what to do. Is it fair to say a flat out, "No, I'm not coming unless we can be ourselves and feel welcomed," or do I concede to her idea of middle ground, which doesn't quite feel like middle ground?

The Heathen Daughter

My response—and another letter or two—after the jump.

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Call mom's bluff—yes, she has feelings when you stand up for yourself, THD, but you have feelings when sex-, latte-, cohabitation-, PG13-/R-rated-movie-shames you . And you have a right, as an adult, to prioritize your feelings (and those of your partner) over those of your mother. Mom's feeling deserve your consideration, of course, but they are not entitled to your capitulation. And you have some leverage here, THD: your mom wants you to visit. If you're not in a position where you can pay for you own hotel room—and perhaps you're not—tell mom that you'll do the hotel thing when you come to visit. But this time you're picking the hotel and she's picking up the tab. If that's not okay with her—if her motive in picking that awful motel is to punish you for your sinful lifestyle—don't visit her.

I am writing in search of some advice. My niece has recently gotten engaged to her girlfriend. She and her now fiancé live in a state that has recently been granted marriage equality. HOORAY! PROGRESS! I’m very happy for her and her wife-to-be. My dilemma is this: her parents (my brother and sister-in-law) DO NOT condone her lifestyle “choice.” They are part of one of those weird, Mars Hill style congregations and brought her up home-schooled on a mountain until they granted her access to a Christian high school. Soon after she was in college and being true to herself with very minimal emotional damage and is very smart, driven and successful.

I am her supportive gay uncle that lives in a large city out of the state. I was one of the first direct family members she came out to. I was both deeply honored and saddened when she called me to tell me her news and then, in the same breath, asked me if I would walk her down the aisle on her wedding day since her father would more than likely refuse to be there to do so. I of course said yes, with the caveat being if her father/my brother shows up at the last minute like some ABC-Modern-Family-miracle and steps in after realizing he is going to miss out on something very important.

I can’t shake that this idea is pretty far-fetched and I also can’t shake being sad about my brother and his wife not being in attendance on her big day. I am wondering if I should try and talk to my brother about it. We have a decent relationship, but I think that is largely due to the fact that we have minimal contact and when we do see one another the topic of my “chosen” lifestyle is not brought up. Nor are politics, religion, or any other hot-button issues.

I guess what I am looking for is advice on how to start this conversation, or, if you think I should even try.

Gay Uncle With A Lesbian Niece

Send your brother a short note that reads, "I'm going to walk your daughter down the aisle on her wedding day if you don't have the decency to show up at her wedding. Be decent and show." Maybe enclose a copy of Matthew Vines' book God and the Gay Christian. If your note/gift destroys your relationship with your brother—if it renders your brother incapable of making small talk with you on those rare occasions when you're in the same room together—is it really such a loss?

And, hey, tell your niece I said congrats!

My son is 16 and I suspect that he is gay. I don't know if he is sure about it, and he has not come out. He is eloquent and sensitive and smart and has lots of like-minded friends. I am worried that he is afraid to come out since he is still in high school, and that is such an inhospitable place for a gay young man (in spite of his caring friends). What I want to know from you is this: I want to convey to him that I love him dearly, that I want him to be loved and to love partners in his life, and I don't care if those partners are men or women. I don't want to push him, but I also don't want him to be afraid. Could you enlighten me about how to convey this to him? I feel like it's too pushy to say those things to him. Should I just wait until he is ready? Are there things I can say in the meantime that are supportive and helpful? Sincerely,

Mom

Print out a copy of this story, Mom, and give it to your son with a note that reads, "I couldn't live with myself if something like this were to happen. I'm not suggesting that you're gay or bi. But this girl took her own life because she feared her parents would reject her if she came out to them. I just wanted you to know that—gay, straight, or bi—we will always love you and always support you."