I'm a 28-year-old straight woman. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 18. He's an incredibly smart guy, his sense of humor absolutely jibes with mine, and he's honestly just a genuinely *good* guy. There are two problems.

The first is that he doesn't place a priority on taking care of himself. He's had issues with depression, and hygiene has been put on the back burner. He doesn't shower on a regular basis, or brush his teeth. He doesn't eat well or exercise, and is overweight. He smells bad a lot of the time and he doesn't do his laundry like he should, or wash his bedding, so his whole room very often has an odor. I've told him that these are things that need to be addressed, but either he's not capable of caring or I'm not being clear enough. I don't want to be too harsh and make him feel even worse, but it's been very difficult to be with him in any physical sense. I can't kiss him without thinking about the teeth that need to be extracted, and it's very gross to me when he touches me with hands that smell like ass.

The second problem is that neither of us seem to be physically up to the task of actually having a sexual relationship. He has trouble maintaining an erection, and I find penetration extremely painful. After we had attempted it a few times with no success, we eventually gave up and settled for snuggling and lots of private time. I became convinced that I just wasn't "into" sex, until I experienced an overwhelming (and un-acted on) attraction for someone else. As I now understand I do want sex to be a part of my life, I am willing to attempt therapy to solve my own problems with sex, but I'm not sure how to help my boyfriend with his problems. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I honestly think that could be fixed if he tried. I'd appreciate any advice you have for me.

Not Attracted To True Love

My response after the jump...

Someone who doesn't shower regularly, doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't do his laundry, doesn't wash his bedding—someone whose hands smell like ass and whose teeth are rotting out of his head—isn't someone who needs a girlfriend, NATTL. That's someone who needs a shrink. If you're a regular reader/listener, you've probably read/heard this before: We don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship, but we do have to be in good working order. Your boyfriend is not in good working order. He's a mess—literally and figuratively—and you have to make your continued presence in his life conditional upon his seeking professional help.

Be clear, NATTL, and be harsh—clarity and harshness are sometimes what we need from the people closest to us. And there's nothing loving or kind about holding your tongue (or your nose) while your boyfriend commits suicide by self-neglect. Your boyfriend has mental-health issues that must be addressed—tell him either he gets help and starts addressing those issues or you'll be cutting him out of your life.

Please note, NATTL, that even if he gets help—even if he starts flossing and brushing and bathing—you're not obligated to be his girlfriend for the rest of your life. You can be "present in his life" as his girlfriend, if you want to continue on in that role, or you you can be present as a friend. Good luck.