I'm a heterosexual, cisgender male in college. I've been in a monogamous relationship with a girl for a little more than two months (18, cisgender, bisexual, female, also in college) and the sex is not near frequent enough for me, meaning we've had sex three times total. The core of the issue is that I'm a 20-year-old guy with a typically high libido, and her libido is very low to nonexistent. I'd like to be having sex three times a week at least.

When she's drunk, she suddenly gets very horny and craves my dick, and when she's sober she is very mellow. I suspect that she has some barriers up and the alcohol disinhibits her enough to not care about them. I say this because she does have body issues (although I find her quite attractive), a history with a rapist, emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend, and depression. With the barriers down, I suspect she has quite a high sex drive. The alcohol, however, is obviously not a long-term solution, especially because if it doesn't make her horny, it can make her have a depressive episode. Do you think there is anything I can do to coax the barriers down while she's sober? I haven't been able to find much research pertaining to this.

I like her quite a lot, so I'm not at all willing to dump her over this.

Libido And Alcohol Problems

My response after the jump...

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Is your girlfriend seeing a therapist? Because if she isn't, LAAP, she should be—and I suspect she isn't because you probably would've mentioned a therapist if she had one.

Horny, 20-year-old boyfriends are wonderful things—I remember what those were like—but a horny, 20-year-old boyfriend (and the sexual hopes, expectations, and pressures that come bundled with one) may not be the best thing for a young woman struggling with body issues and the double fucking headzapwhammy of having been both raped and in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don't think you should dump her because she's not putting out at the clip you would like—don't present it to her that way, LAAP, because you don't want her fucking you under duress—but you should have a conversation with her about what she really wants from you. If she wants a fully intimate relationship, i.e., a romantic connection that's both emotional and sexual, her inhibitions (her traumas) are preventing her from having that, and booze isn't a realistic long- or short-term fix. Working with a good therapist is a realistic fix—a good therapist can help her find the strength inside herself that she's currently finding in a pitcher of margaritas.

But if all she wants from you is your time, your attention, and your emotional support, LAAP, tell her she can have all of that without the pressure of being your "girlfriend." The last thing you should want—and the last thing she needs—is for her to be getting strategically drunk so that she can fuck you just enough to keep you by her side. Reassure her that you'll be at her side whether you're her boyfriend right now or not—but only say that if you mean it—and encourage to get the professional help and support that she needs.