WE MADE IT THROUGH SEASON 19 OF THE BACHELOR! Will Chris Soules, the unremarkable farmer from Iowa, marry Whitney the chatty fertility nurse or Becca the snoozy virgin? It's a real head scratcher that Chris "could go either way with." Ah, romance.

So how do the gals feel?

Whitney is all in. She is SO IN. So so so in. She loves Chris and wants to move to Iowa, marry him, and start a family ASAMFP. She meets the Soules family first, and she nails it. There are some real choked-up moments when she sits down for conversations with Chris's mom (who loves her) and his sisters (who love her) about how ready she is to move to Iowa. After Whitney leaves, Chris's family wonders how he could possibly not be "sure" about Whitney, causing Chris to get defensive about Becca. He tries and tries to articulate what it is he likes about Becca, but "she's got a good head on her shoulders" is the best he can fumble out. In a particularly staged scene, the men in Chris's family gather in the manly man shed (with tools!) to dish. A guy in a puffy vest points out that maybe Chris only likes Becca because she's "hard to get."

Becca is not in. Not in at all. I have no idea why she is still on this show. Chris wants Becca to love him, but she's just not sure if she "has those feelings" yet. For as much of a total dud as she is, Becca's feelings are pretty reasonable—she doesn't want to move to Iowa until she KNOWS that she loves Chris, and she doesn't KNOW that she loves Chris because she is on a reality television show and has never encountered a penis. When Becca meets the Soules family, Chris's mom takes her aside and in the nicest, Midwest-est way possible basically asks her what her fucking problem is—pulling this amazing power move by reaching out and moving Becca's hair out of her face while scolding her on not loving her son yet. It's such a cool move. We rewound it three times.

This rest of the episode is based on a couple drawn-out dates that boil down to: Whitney talking Chris's ear off about how much she loves him (while sitting on a bed in a hotel room), and Chris asking Becca why she's not as into him as he wants her to be with a good 10 minutes dedicated to "umm"s, "uhhhh"s, and the deepest sighs (while sitting on a bed in a hotel room). He REALLY, REALLY doesn't want to make this decision. He's obviously in love with Becca (??) and wishes he could propose to HER, but she'd rather date long-distance until "she's sure." Even though Chris could agree to this setup and just ask Becca to date him (or simply not propose to EITHER of them), this is the final episode and he's had one slogan and one slogan alone: "I'm here to find a wife."

So in a frozen barn decorated by Pier 1 Imports circa 1999, Chris pretends that he's into Whitney enough to put a ring on it.

Congratulations?