Originally posted on June 6, 2012.

Could you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can't seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia, and screwin' a bearskin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests—which involve rope bondage, floggin', and an e-stim unit—hasn't worked.

I'm a gay man and a hunter; he's a gay boy and a vegan. But he likes how I look in my camo, holding a rifle, so it works. Last fall, I went to Idaho and shot a bear. A taxidermist made the bear into a rug. Most people don't know this, but the head on a bearskin rug is entirely fake except for the fur. The skull, teeth, and tongue are plastic, and the eyes are glass. Bear's hardly a bear.

So he liked the rug. Even wanted me to screw him on it—until he walked in while I was doing it with the bear. I rigged up the mouth with one of those Fleshlight things, pretty much as a joke, but my boy freaked when he saw the bear giving me a blowjob. Called me sick and disgusting, and now he won't let me tie him up or anything. He says he's afraid I will kill him and screw him. What can I do?

Bear Grinned Anyway

My response after the jump...

What can you do? You mean besides send video of you and your bear in action to prove this isn't the most entertaining fake letter I've received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker's house? Besides that?

You can do this: Draw a distinction between what was going on in that bear's mouth and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off—with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug—two things are kindasorta happening simultaneously: what the man is doing with his dick and what the man is imagining he's doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren't clenched-fist fetishists; they're just horny and their fists are there and Sarah Jessica Parker isn't.

So your boyfriend walked in and saw you fucking a dead bear. That's gonna look bad, BGA, even to a boyfriend who isn't vegan. So how do you fix it? By patiently explaining to your vegan boyfriend that while, yes, you were face-fucking a bear when he walked in on you—no denying it—you weren't thinking about face-fucking a bear. Tell him you were thinking about him, and the bear's mouth was just a convenient place to wedge your vegan-boyfriend-substitute, i.e., your Fleshlight. Tell your boyfriend you don't entertain any murderous fantasies, tell him you only long to fuck living things, and tell him that Homo sapiens are the only animals you find attractive.

Tell him all of that, BGA, even if not all of that is true.