My partner of 25 years passed away last week, and today I received a sympathy card from his sister. She included many paragraphs about how I need to seek salvation in Jesus Christ, etc., and hardly a kind word spoken but at one point she did thank me for "being his friend." (We were a gay couple—much more than friends.) She enclosed a brochure with Bible verses printed on it, the kind that evangelizers give out on street corners. On the envelope of this card she wrote only my first name, because she apparently never bothered finding out my last name.

This lady never once asked about me in any of the many letters she wrote to my partner when he was alive. She is nice and sweet in person but she always manages to slip in something thoroughly nasty during every conversation. She did this to my partner too. I assume she is this way to everyone. During our one and only lengthy conversation, one day after my partner's death, she asked me to give her all of the family photo albums in our house because "you are not family."

As soon as I read her letter I was inspired to write a reply:

Dear So-And-So:

Thank you for the card. Proselytizing someone in a sympathy card must rank as one of the rudest acts imaginable. If I didn't want to convert to Christianity before, your card would certainly guarantee I never want to in the future.

P.S. You are concerned about my personal salvation but you couldn't bother to find out my last name?

I thought about sending this note to her in a thank you card, then I thought about slipping this as a note in the bottom of the box of family photos I plan to ship to her (I am going to give her back the photo albums because my partner asked me to before he died), then I thought about emailing this note to her daughter instead of sending it to her and asking her to pass it along to her mother. This woman's daughter seems to be a truly nice person, unlike her mother, and we have been corresponding since my partner's death.

But I have qualms about sending something like my reply for several reasons. First, I do not want to jeopardize the budding relationship between me and my partner's niece. Second, I do not want to dishonor my partner's memory with anger.

If you've made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH for listening to me. Now tell me what you think I should do.

Mourning In America

I'm so sorry for your loss, MIA, my heart goes out to you.

As for your horrible, terrible, no good, really bad sister-in-law... send her the fucking note.

Don't put the note at the bottom of a box of photos; there's always a chance the box will sit unopened for months or years, MIA, and you don't want that note to go undiscovered until after your SIL croaks and her next of kin finally get around to opening the box. And don't send the note to your SIL via her truly nice daughter/your late partner's truly nice niece. Your late partner's niece (she's your niece too) is most likely aware that her mother is an awful person and she's probably had to make apologies for her awful mother in the past. You should spare her from having to make another one now.

Send the note directly to your late partner's cruel and unusual sister—hell, send it registered mail and make the hateful old bat sign for it. And for what it's worth, MIA, your note didn't strike me as angry. I've been sitting here composing the note I would write if someone sent a that "condolence card" to me after the death of a loved one and it's a web of death threats held together by strings of F-bombs. Your note is a model of restraint and composure.

Finally, MIA, keep talking with your late partner's niece—she's your niece too—and don't allow her mother's actions to pollute this new connection to your late partner's extended family. (You were his immediate family.) At some point down the road the subject of her mother may come up, MIA, and then you can calmly express your disappointment (not your anger) with the way her mother treated you immediately after your partner's death. If your truly nice niece tries to apologize, MIA, stop her; she's not responsible for her mother's shitty behavior. Hopefully by then you'll be ready to share a mordant/morbid laugh with your niece about the whole thing—the best possible revenge you could have over her mother.