I have a conundrum: my boyfriend constantly texts this girl. Not normally an issue, but he fucked her pretty regularly right before he and I got together. He says it was never more than a sexual attraction, but this girl—who has a boyfriend, mind you—is in love with him. I know this because my boyfriend has told me so. They don't hang out and they don't have phone calls, but the texting is bothering me because she's clearly not speaking to him as "just a friend." He's informed me that, yes, she does flirt with him but he insists he never responds in kind. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he is respectful of our relationship when he responds to her.

He describes her as a damsel in distress with a shitty boyfriend and says he's just trying to be nice. He wouldn't cheat on me, especially not with her, but I cannot get past the fact that he humors her. You're going to tell me to trust him, so fine, I trust him, but shouldn't he care about how this makes me feel? It's not like this girl is a long-time friend of his, but when it comes up (which it does because I bring it up, oops) we end up in huge fights. I go back and forth on whether I'm justified or just crazy. What is it? And what can I do to get over this?

The Actual Damsel In Distress

If your boyfriend were my friend—not my boyfriend, just my friendfriend—and he confided in me about this mess, TADID, here's what I would say to him:

Let's pretend you don't have a girlfriend. You're totally single. You stopped fucking damsel-in-distress girl for a reason, right? You didn't want to be with her and now she's got a new boyfriend. But she says she's still in love with you and her new boyfriend is deeply shitty and she's really unhappy—and so you swap texts with her all day long. Because you feel sorry for her. Because you're a nice guy. Because she's unhappy. And you know what? She knows it. She knows you pay attention to her because she's unhappy. Because her boyfriend is shitty. So...

As long unhappiness and shitty boyfriends are the key to getting attention from the man she loves—that man would be you—what incentive does she have to get happy? Or to get herself a better boyfriend? None. Her unhappiness may be genuine or it could be a stratagem—she may actually be miserable or she may just be claiming she's miserable to keep you in her life. Either way, friendfriend, you're not doing her any favors when you text with her. If she's manipulating you by pretending to be miserable, she's not being nice to you. If the attention you're giving her, limited though it may be, is keeping her in a miserable spot (because subconsciously she's realized that being miserable is the only way to win your attention), you're not being nice. Either way: this isn't nice. So stop it.

That's how you should frame your objections from here on out, TADID: by expressing your concern for her (you don't want her to stay miserable just to keep him texting) and by expressing your concern for him (you don't want her manipulating him just to keep him texting).

Get it off your chest once or twice, TADID, then back the fuck off—trust your boyfriend, let this thing run its course, and bite your tongue until either your boyfriend comes to his senses or his sadsack and/or manipulative ex comes to hers.