Did you watch True Detective last night? Spoiler alert: It was not as good as the US Women's Soccer team victory over Japan. BUT WHAT ON EARTH IS? However, there were things to chitty chat about, and chitty chat about them I will after the jump! Spoilers ahoy!


Do you feel awkard? I dont feel awkward. Its not awkward. Why would I feel awkward?
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "Do you feel awkard? I don't feel awkward. It's not awkward. Why would I feel awkward?"


MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Maybe Tomorrow."


1) Well, first things first: Bent cop Ray McMustache (Collin Farrell) is NOT DEAD. At the end of last week's episode he was shotgunned by a raven-mask wearing killer in Caspere the Dead Pervert's sex apartment—but as it luckily turned out, that shotgun was filled with rubber bullets! "Just like the kind COPS USE," Ray says pointedly to Ani. (Then his mustache looks up and says, "Think she bought it?") By the way, that rubber shotgun bullet excuse is BULLLLLLLL SHIIIIIIIT. We all know that Ray's mighty mustache sucked up all the buckshot into its hairy magnificence. Thanks, mustache!


2) And as for Ray's after-life scene involving his cop dad and a Conway Twitty impersonator (!!) singing "The Rose," well... that was hilarious. But was it intentionally hilarious? You never know with this show. Let's assume it was unintentional. But still—any show with a Conway Twitty impersonator has something going for it. HE SHOULD STAR IN A SPIN-OFF!!


3) Okay most of the rest of this episode was just boring exposition and setting stuff up for the next episode, so let's just jump to the most interesting parts, shall we?


3 a.) Hunky McCHiPs the obviously gay cop totally busts Ani smoking her e-cigarette and lets her know how dumb she looks. People who won't admit they're obviously gay are pretty dumb, too... just an observation.


3 b.) Ani's boss really, really, really wants to bust Ray for being a bent cop, and lets her know she doesn't necessarily have to fuck him... but she might want to make him believe she'll fuck him. And if she does, she'll give Ani a big raise! (Waitasecond... who's the bent cop here??)


3 c.) Frankie "Triple Eyebags" McGoombah is so frustrated about losing his money to Caspere the Money-Stealing Ghost that he can't even get an erection—and it's not because he's obviously gay like Hunky McCHiPs!


3 d.) Oh, and speaking of Hunky, he meets his old military buddy at a very homoerotic motorcycle race. Old Military Buddy says, "Man, war is terrible, ain't it?"


"Yup."


"In fact, the only time it wasn't terrible was when were in that 'valley' together."


"Umm... yup."


"And by 'valley' I mean the polar opposite of a 'mountain'... like maybe a 'Brokeback Mountain'? ARE YOU GETTING MY DRIFT?"


"NO I AM NOT GETTING YOUR DRIFT, AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT GAY SO GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE BOO-HOO-HOOOOOOO!"


[And scene.]


3 e.) Ray, Ray's mustache, and Ani are investigating a stolen car that had something to do with something, who knows and who cares. Anyway, they find it, and it immediately catches on fire! Ani's like, "What's up with that?" And a guy wearing a Scream mask across the street pops up and says, "Wasn't me! Ooops. I should've just kept my mouth shut." Scream mask takes off running, with Ani and a deeply unhealthy Ray in hot pursuit. Scream leads Ani onto the freeway where she's about to get run over by a speeding Semi truck—but Ray's mustache yanks her out of the way in the nick of time! Yay, Ray's mustache! That's the second main character you've saved in as many weeks! We hereby award you the Congressional Mustache Medal of Honor! (Now can you please do something about super gay Hunky McCHiPs? That guy needs to get gay-laid, and I mean stat!)


4) OKAY, THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY ABOUT THAT. Like I said, this was mostly an exposition episode, and I really didn't care for it. BUT. I'm excited to see how Ani's e-cigarette habit progresses, watch Hunky finally get some hot man-on-man action, and... if we're lucky... Frankie will fight another gangster and bury him in one of his many eye bags. FINGERS CROSSED!


5) I'm interested in hearing your opinions in the comments! See ya next week!


Do you like e-cigarettes? FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GAAAAAY!!!
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "Do you like e-cigarettes?" "FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GAAAAAY!!!"