I had a brief fling some time back; it ended amicably when we discovered some major personality incompatibilities. Six months later, we rekindled a physical relationship—I was his first partner who indulged/enjoyed his fetishes, and he wanted to explore them. We had a few hot months of rope (he's a natural!), whips, and toys. Then at New Years he told me he was an alcoholic. I had only ever seen him drunk once, while on vacation. Of course I supported his efforts to get sober, get therapy, and get on antidepressants. Six months later he's undeniably happier. My trouble, though, is threefold:

1. His interest in kink has disappeared along with his melancholy. He still has a libido, but I haven't seen a rope or a toy since before Christmas.

2. Even the vanilla sex is crappy. His equipment doesn't rise to the occasion all that often anymore, and when it does it's a minute or two tops before he's done. He's willing to do other stuff with his mouth/hands, which is great, except what gets me off is a good hard pounding, whether dick or dildo or flogger—but none of those have been on the table. Frankly, the tender soft touches he uses now give me the willies most of the time.

3. He's suddenly decided he is totally in love with me. He doesn't seem to see that our personalities remain incompatible—instead he seems to be in love with some fantasy of me that's only tangentially related to the real deal. I do not return these feelings aside from a friendly affection, and I've been clear about that since we started fucking again.

So is it a "thing" for interest in kink to only be present if the person is depressed? And how do you go about telling someone that their happiness is killing your sex life in a nice way? He's really kind to me and the last thing I want is to be the total asshole that stomps all over his hard-won joy, but so far everything I can think of does exactly that.

Blues Over Recent Improved Neurological Growth

My answer, BORING, is threefold...

1. A few years ago I interviewed a doctor who works with people with dangerous and/or distressing kinks. The kink in question was totally different—ball busting scenes involving "erotic-target override" (it's complicated)—but this bit is relevant:

"These problems are often highly treatable," said Dr. Paul Fedoroff, who is a neuropsychiatrist, a forensic psychiatrist, and the director of the Sexual Behaviors Clinic at the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre. "Typically, a low-dose SSRI works magic." SSRIs, or "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors," are a class of drugs that are usually prescribed as antidepressants. SSRIs can crater a person's libido, as is commonly known, but they can also, according to Fedoroff, help a person overcome an unwanted sexual interest or compulsion. "I had one patient who used to tie his testes with rope and then hit them with a hammer," said Fedoroff. "He was referred to me by a urologist when he asked for surgical castration. I prescribed an SSRI, and a month later he told me, 'That [was] the craziest idea I ever had.' He had no further interest in 'ball busting' and said his life would have been different if he had found this medication earlier."

So, yeah, antidepressants could be responsible for your FWB's sudden disinterest in ropes, whips, and toys. (For the record: I do not support "treating" kinks with meds.) The impact antidepressants can have on a person's libido—they can completely obliterate a person's libido—is well known, and most docs are willing to tweak dosages and/or prescribe different antidepressants so that their patients don't have to sacrifice their sex lives for their mental health.

2. It could be the drugs—either the antidepressant your FWB recently started taking or the drug he recently stopped abusing. Booze may have helped him overcome sexual inhibitions (where his kinks are concerned) and/or crippling sexual self-consciousness (the kind that can derail boners and induce premature ejaculation). It's also possible that your FWB associates "good, hard poundings" with his out-of-control drinking, BORING, and consequently doesn't feel comfortable engaging in that kind of sex at the moment. Here's hoping his desire to pound you reemerges once he's passed out of the early and delicate stages of his sobriety.

3. Some people can't end their love affair with booze without a new love to take its place. And while I don't think there's a nice way to tell someone that their happiness is destroying your sex life, BORING, I do think you should tell him you miss the intensity and the kinks—then urge him to ask his doctor about adjusting his meds. (Due to the rampant kink-phobia in the medical community, BORING, your boyfriend might not get a good response if he tells his doctor he wants to tweak his meds so that tying up and whipping his casual sex partner starts making his cock hard again. He should speak to his doc in more general terms.) And push back gently when he says he's totally in love with you—tell him you like him, tell him you're going to be there for him as a friend, but don't allow him to assume the feelings are mutual.