I am a straight 20-something female actress in Northern California. I started a very passionate romance with a fellow actor about a month ago. We've known each other for years, but only recently admitted our feelings to one another. I feel so comfortable around him and the sex is AMAZING. Unfortunately, he's moving to LA in a month to finish school and pursue acting full time. I am tied down in Northern California by my job, family, and future performances I've agreed to do. We've talked about me visiting him and vice versa, and he's mentioned long distance a few times. My last long-distance relationship was disastrous. I know he cares about me and I can tell our being together now is making this move even more difficult for him. We feel we've fallen for each other, but is it just because we're youngsters in a new, exciting love affair? Is this meant to be a fling? Or should I try long-distance despite my past failures?

Anxious This Relationship Ends Somewhat Soon

Have you ever been in a short-distance relationship that failed?—Dan

Yes, certainly.—ACTRESS

But you haven’t stopped entering into short-distance relationships, right?—Dan

No, I haven't.—ACRESSS

I’m honestly curious: You’ve had bad experiences in the past with LDRs—your last LDR didn't work out—and that bad experience has left you hesitant to enter into another LDR. But you’ve had bad experiences with SDRs, presumably, and yet you wouldn't hesitate to enter into another SDR. You wouldn't think twice about continuing to see this guy if he were staying in town. Why not?—Dan

LDRs seem more fragile. Easier for me to ruin. But I see where you're going with this and I suppose it's silly to be afraid of one and not the other.—ACTRESS

I'm not being pollyanna: I think LDRs are more fragile, ACTRESS, and they consequently fail at a higher rate. But almost all SDRs fail and I never hear people with dozens of failed SDRs behind them swear off dating people who live in the same times zones.

And fragile? Hm. It might be more accurate to say that LDRs have additional stressors—so they're not necessarily more fragile, they're just under more stress—but a good relationship can withstand unique stressors. Distances can be worked against and technology can shrink them; sustaining an emotional and sexual connection requires time, effort, and Skype. And people in LDRs should bear in mind that absence not only makes the heart grow fonder, ACTRESS, but it can also make the heart more suspicious and more insecure. Address suspicions and insecurities head-on, don't allow them to fester, and your LDR is likelier to last long enough to become an SDR again.

LDRs, like non-monogamous relationships, tend to get a bum rap. When an LDR ends, everyone—including two people who just got out of one—rushes to blame the LD part, just as everyone blames the non-monogamy part when an open relationship ends. The LD aspect certainly can doom some LDRs, just as openness often dooms otherwise unhealthy and/or open-for-all-the-wrong-reasons relationships. But it's often magical/defensive thinking that prompts us to assign the blame to the LD part of a failed LDR. ("He couldn't have dumped because he realized I wasn't what he wanted—no, no: it was due to the distance!") It's easier to blame circumstances beyond our control than to look deeper.

Anyway, ACTRESS, I think you should go for it. Stay together, have a convo about whether you're going to see other people while you're apart (and whether you're going tell each other if you do), travel to see each other as often as you can, and masturbate together on Skype as if no one at the NSA is watching.—Dan