Male from Canada writing, 36 years old, straight.

Two years ago, I was in a common law relationship with a woman for a little over 4 years. Several times during our relationship, I would notice her trying to shield her phone from me while she texted. Invariably, she would be talking to a guy she met somewhere, I’d discover that she planned to cheat on me, we’d fight, she’d forget about the other guy, things would go back to normal, then the whole process would start again. In the last few months of that relationship, I found out (because I snooped through her email and phone… and snooping is bad… but I don’t regret it) she had a few more affairs than I’d originally known about—somewhere between four and seven—and this left me feeling betrayed and disposable.

Presently, I’m six months into a relationship with a woman I’m madly in love with. In fact, I fell in love with her the moment I set eyes on her. She has a backstory of her own, however: it seems that whenever she allows herself the vulnerability necessary to fall in love, the relationship fails, and she gets hurt. This has led to her trying to sabotage our relationship on a couple occasions in an attempt to make it less ideal, or to cause conflict, so that if we do break up, it doesn’t feel like she’s losing something worthwhile. Anytime things between us start getting really good, she gets afraid of getting hurt and pushes me away.

Because of debt I’m carrying, I work two jobs and rarely get a day off. Lately when I’m at work she’s been spending her days off with her ex-boyfriend, which is reminiscent of everything I went through with the common law. Paraphrasing John Irving, "It’s not just a trigger. That’s all the bullets." I’ve told her why this behavior bothers me so much, that I feel it sends both me and her ex the same message. (He’s hard to let go of, I’m disposable.) But she still hangs out with him on a regular basis. I've told her she's causing me a lot of pain and worry, but she doesn't seem willing to let go of this relationship with her ex.

Am I being a jerk and letting my past experience color this new relationship, and if so, any ideas on how to get past it? Or is she completely disregarding my feelings on the matter?

Bad Luck Canuck

I'm not buying your current girlfriend's rationalizations for her shitty, inconsiderate, game-play-y behavior, BLC.

Shitty GF #2 has managed to convince you that she's the victim here. She goes out her way to hurt you, she causes conflict and attempts sabotage things, but she only does that because she had her heart broken before you came along.

Yeah, no. Almost everyone has had their heart broken once or twice before their current BF/GF/SOPATGSF* came along. It's not excuse for intentionally causing conflict or choosing to sabotage a new relationship.

SGF2 has also managed to convince you that treating you like shit is proof that she really could love you and that you two really could have a future together—because SGF2 only attempts to sabotage things when they seem ideal, right? So your relationship is ideal, or it has the potential to be ideal, and everything could be great... if only poor, sad SGF2 could overcome her fears and just let you love her.

Yeah, no. That's bullshit. She's playing games, she's playing the victim, and she's playing you.

DTMFA.