I'm a 26-year-old gay guy. I just moved to a new city and started making some friends. Through these friends, I recently met a 45-year-old guy. He's shown a lot of interest in me, and I find him very nice, smart, and funny, and I really enjoy his company. We went out a few times alone but not really on official dates. Now he's on vacation and he keeps texting and checking up on me every few days.

I really like the guy, but I'm struggling with the age difference between us. I've thought about it a lot, and the way I see it is that it might not be a big problem now but it will be in the future if things work out. By the time I'm ready to have kids, he's gonna be almost 60. And chances are he's gonna pass away before I do. I know you never know when these things happen, but the idea scares me. And if things don't work out, I'm worried it would be awkward to hang out together, and I would lose the few friends that I've made so far.

In general, my mind is saying "what's the point of it?" but my heart is saying "try it out, why not." It might be an old problem, but I'm really struggling with it, so I hope you give me your insight. What do you think?

Gay Boys Problems

I'm going to set aside the fact that you just met this guy, you haven't been on a proper date, and it sounds like you two haven't slept together... and you're stressing out about the kids you're hoping to adopt a decade and a half from now and the likelihood that he will predecease you.

Instead I'm going to challenge you on the meaning of the phrase "work out" when applied to romantic relationships.

Let's say you were with this guy for a couple of years—years filled with good times, good food, and good sex—and then you parted ways while you were in your early-late-20s and really stuck the dismount, i.e., you remained friends. Would you regard things as having "worked out"? Or do things only count as having “worked out” if you're together "forever," i.e., one or the other or both of you dies while you're still technically together?

Me? I happen to think a loving, supportive, romantic relationship that lasts a few years—or even just a few months—that transitions into loving, supportive, platonic friendship is one way a relationship can “work out," GBP. If you like this guy and want to be with him, be with him. You can always decide to adopt a little sooner, if it lasts and he wants to be a father, too. And since both halves of a couple rarely die simultaneously, someone has to outlive the other—might as well be you.

All that said... you don't even know if you like the taste of this guy's spit yet, to say nothing of whether you're sexually and emotionally compatible. Stop worrying about the next four decades and concentrate instead on the rest of the summer.

I'm a huge, longtime fan of yours—been reading you religiously for 10+ years.

In that entire time, I've rarely disagreed with your approach to any question, but your response to the "High Times" writer overlooked a major possibility, IMHO. Her boyfriend sounds like a hallmark marijuana addict (speaking as a recovering one myself). For those who are addicted/dependent (a VERY small portion of those who use—maybe 10 percent), withdrawal symptoms from weed can often be severe, and the strongest symptoms are extreme irritability and sleeplessness.

If you don't believe that marijuana addiction exists or has any withdrawal effects—something that folks like the people at High Times do everything in their power to deny, which is pretty ironic considering how long they spent campaigning for people to face facts about what weed does and doesn't do—here are some sources that might help.

• An overview of cannabis dependence and withdrawal in the DSM V

• A literature review of recent academic research on cannabis withdrawal

• Marijuana Anonymous

• An overview article in Psychology Today

Your High Times source was right in saying that some people use MJ to self-medicate, and that it's harmless for many people—but he was entirely wrong in saying it's harmless for everyone, and it's actually incredibly dangerous and self-defeating to treat mental health issues (particularly bipolar, anxiety, and depression) with MJ, as it messes with natural hormone production, particularly dopamine and likely seratonin. People can get addicted. And like other drugs of abuse (including alcohol), withdrawal has real symptoms.

Anyway, her boyfriend's symptoms sound quite common. He might not be an asshole (though, of course, he might)—he might just be withdrawing every time he runs out of weed. What he needs to do is get clean—fully clean—either by significantly reducing his use or by completely abstaining until his head clears. That's never an excuse to treat your loved ones poorly, but I hope he finds his way.

Best, and thank you for all that you've written,

A.

Thanks for writing, A, and in fairness to my source at High Times—and in fairness to me—neither of us said that marijuana couldn't be abused or that its use was in all cases perfectly benign. I don't know what Dan Skye's position is on the addictiveness of marijuana, but I believe that people can become dependent on the drug in unhealthy ways; I also believe that pretty much any substance can be abused. I also know functional, happy, productive daily users of the drug... and I don't like to think of them as unclean any more than I like to think of my HIV+ friends as unclean.