Oh dear lord! Did you watch last night's chock-full o' drama season finale of True Detective? Are you wondering if it met up to my high expectations? Well, by all means, let's chitty-chat about that! Check out my spoiler-filled recap of the season finale after the jump—and then let's chitty-chat about it afterwards. CHITTY CHATTING ABOUT TRUE DETECTIVE! YEAH!!


For the last time, I dont CARE about Caspere... I wanna know who stole your mustache!!
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "For the last time, I don't CARE about Caspere... I wanna know who stole your mustache!!"


MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about the season finale, "Omega Station."


1) So while Ponch McCHiPs is getting gunned down by his evil cop boss, Ray and Ani are doing a little bow-chicka-wow-wow-WOW back at the Twin Peaks motel. Ani tells Ray all about how guilty she feels for what happened between her and the pedo hippie when she was a kid, and Ray tells her about how he killed the wrong rapist. She's like, "EWW! Your confession is worse!"


2) Meanwhile Frankie "Three Eyebags" McGoombah is trying to convince Mrs. Three Eyebags to fly off to Venezuela without him, but she's all like, "You're even a worse actor than Vince Vaughn. I AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE, YA BIG LUG!" (This show is so hilariously terrible.)


3) Not only are the evil cops trying to pin the murder of the assistant AG on Ray, now they're blaming him for killing Hottie McPonch. So in order to clear their names, he and Ani track down Caspere the Dead Pervert's real killers, Len and Laura the orphaned jewelry heist kids. Laura confesses everything to Ray and Ani—thanks for the exposition, blabber-mouth—and tells them Len is going to kill the offending evil cops. But "OOPS! We accidentally erased the hard drive with all the evidence on it. SORRRRRY!" Ani's like, "It's okay. Here's a bus ticket, and I'm letting you go—because you're my last piece of evidence against these evil cops, and I do things that don't make any sense. Isn't my hairstyle the worst?"


4) Ray goes to intercept Len, the Caspere-killing brother, hoping he'll turn state's evidence instead of going on an evil cop murder spree. (Why don't you just put him on a bus out of town?) Ray meets with one of the evil cops instead of Len—who's doing a "Unabomber lurk" within earshot of the cop's confession. However, when he hears that Caspere was actually the illegitimate father of his sister...OH SHIT! He goes crazy with a knife, killing the evil cop, and getting gunned down in the process. (Hey Ani! Still think letting his sister go was a good idea?)


5) Meanwhile Frankie Three-Eyebags says to Ray, "Hey, let's rob some of those rich jerks that fucked me over, because you can't live in Venezuela without at least a million bucks." I'm pretty sure you CAN live in Venezuela with less than a million bucks. Anyway, this provides a good action sequence and a reason to kill that butthole who stole Frank's casino. Ray and Frankie steal the money, and then say goodbye to each other—FOREVER, because FORESHADOWING—before going their separate ways.


6) So rather than escaping with a cool million, Ray stupidly decides to visit his son's school so he can give him one last salute. ("Daaaad! You're embarrassing meeeeeeee!") The evil cops suspected he would do something stupid like this and chase Ray up to the mountains. Ray calls Ani to say, "Be there in a minute! Heeeeey, let me talk to the bartender with the scar on her face. (Pause.) Hey scarred bartender, I totally just lied to Ani. Make sure she gets on that boat to Venezuela, and most importantly, get someone to kill that folk singer that always plays at the bar. She's an embarrassment to the entertainment industry." Ray guns it out with the evil cops, but knowing that Ani is safe, he can now die peacefully. (But guys! Maybe they were using rubber bullets!) Bye, Ray.


7) Then Frankie McEyebags gets kidnapped by his Mexican rivals and taken out to the desert. They steal his million bucks, knife him, and leave him to walk around the desert getting yelled at by his dead ghost father. ("Daaaad! You're embarrassing meeeeeeee!") The best part of this sequence were the vultures hopping along behind him. (BTW, I have two vultures sitting on the rafters of my office right now waiting for me to croak, NBD.) Then his ghost wife comes along and tells him to lie down already, this show is already too long, and everybody wants to go to bed. Frankie climbs inside one of his eyebags and dies. Night, night Frank!


8) Meanwhile, Ani—who finally has a super cute haircut—has a psychic premonition that Ray is dead, because this show is fucking terrible. CUT TO RAY'S EX-WIFE looking at the paternity results she ordered, and Maury Povich jumping in to say, "Ray Velcoro... you ARE the father!" (Bet she feels like a horse's ass.)


9) Blah, blah, blah... "cascading betrayals" and all those corrupt officials "getting away with it."


10) But WAIT! Ani and Mrs. Three Eyebags make it to Venezuela, where she tells a reporter the entire sordid tale, who will surely break the story and send all those rotten politicians to prison, right? WRONG, because that reporter works for Buzzfeed. (Saaaad trommmbone!)


11) However, it all ends happily because Ani has a baby Ray Velcoro—you can tell by his mustache—and she, the baby, and Mrs. Three Eyebags (who gets to be the new nanny, I suppose?) escape into the night wearing really ugly floppy hats. YOU CALL THAT JUSTICE??


12) Okay, so that was that. Like I said before, once I accepted this season of True Detective as unintentional comedy, I started enjoying it a lot more... and with that in mind, this episode did not disappoint! It was all silly, ridiculous, and okay... fine... sort of satisfying? Though I'm still furious that terrible folk singer wasn't bumped off. Again, YOU CALL THAT JUSTICE?? Anyway, what did YOU think of all that? LEAVE YOUR VALUABLE OPINIONS IN THE COMMENTS, and as always, thanks for chitty-chatting with me!


I finally got my bouncing baby eyebag.