HEROES REBORN: Ummm... stop staring at me like Im an asshole.
  • Courtesy NBC
  • HEROES REBORN: Ummm... stop staring at me like I'm an asshole.


While tonight doesn't have the sizzle of many of this week's TV premieres and returns, there are curiosities and, of course, MAJOR ANNOYANCES. (But that's the price of living during the "golden age of television," isn't it?) Let's check out what's on TV tonight!


8:00 ABC GREY'S ANATOMY
Season premiere! Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me! UGGGNNHHH!! And... NOPE.


8:00 NBC HEROES REBORN
Season premiere! The show that was once a former hit but eventually melted into a big pile of "MEHHHH" returns as Heroes Reborn, featuring a few (non-famous) former characters as well as newbie superheroes who just want to do the right thing, guys! If you're not already burned out on the glut of superheroics in our oversaturated pop culture—this oughta do it.


9:00 ABC SCANDAL
Season premiere! This dishy, fun soap returns for its scandalous fifth season, with Olivia and Fitz still dry-humping in the White House halls, while trying to cover up the various crimes and sex-capades of the rich and famous. WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE TO REACH THESE LOFTY HEIGHTS!

10:00 ABC HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
Season premiere! I admit it: I'm a "one Shonda Rhymes show" kind of guy, and my show is Scandal and nothing more. Congrats to Viola Davis for winning the Emmy—but otherwise, I can't be bothered.


10:00 NBC THE PLAYER
Debut! All right... bear with me on this one. Actually, it's too hard to explain, so I'm cutting and pasting the description of this show, courtesy of NBC:


From the executive producers of "The Blacklist" and starring Wesley Snipes and Philip Winchester ("Strike Back," "Fringe") comes an action-packed Las Vegas thriller about a former military operative turned security expert who is drawn into a high-stakes game where an organization of wealthy individuals gamble on his ability to stop some of the biggest crimes imaginable from playing out. Can he take them down from the inside and get revenge for the death of his wife, or is it true what they say: The house always wins.


WAIT! DID YOU SAY WESLEY SNIPES?!? Belay your excitement, cause this is what the NYT says about this show:


Plenty of TV shows get by, and even succeed, with equally preposterous plots, but not with a cast full of personality-free characters. Fans of the tax-evading Mr. Snipes, if there still are any, will be disappointed that his character is limited to wearing finely tailored suits and delivering omniscient-sounding lines in a blank voice.


Alas, poor Blade, we knew thee well.

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