Oh hi! I'm live-mocking the GOP debate. Follow along here for derisive comments about hairstyles and confusingly obscure cultural references. And say hi on Twitter if you'd like to get my attention.
5:01 pm: Should be starting any minute. You can watch online if you have cable or are a weirdo who signed up for a free-trial CNBC subscription.
5:07 pm: The banner at the top of CNBC.com says "Your Money, Your Vote." This is a daringly frank description of how our political system works!
5:09 pm: Still waiting for it to start. Old White News Guy #1 says that people want to know what Ben Carson stands for. Worried Blonde Woman frets that she won't hear enough from Rand Paul. Ted Cruz has an economic "Big Bang" plan, says OWNG1. "He's ascending!" says WBW. I don't know what anyone is named because apparently CNBC can't afford lower-thirds, or even Chili's-style name tags.
5:15 pm: Oh, for fuck's sake. Apparently you can't share a CNBC login on multiple computers. Seriously, fuck you, Comcast.
5:17 pm: Finally getting started with a truly dreadful montage of contextless candidate soundbites interspersed with a child's voice reciting "America the Beautiful." Pretty much sums things up.
5:17 pm: When asked about his weaknesses, Huckabee says "I don't have any weaknesses," joking I guess. Then he says that if he has a weakness, it's that "I try to live by the rules." There is only one rule, Huckabee. Two men enter! One man leaves!
5:21 pm: "I do not forgive people who have deceived me," Trump thunders. Please make a note of it, America. Stop lying to Trump. He won't forgive you.
5:25 pm: Carly Fiorina says that she was criticized for not smiling enough in the last debate, then beams into the camera sarcastically. I wish this lady wasn't so loathsome with her politics because she really seems like the kind of lady gay men would like to take out for drinks and cackle with.
5:26 pm: "Is this a comic book version of a candidate?" asks a moderator. "That's not a very nice," responds Trump, then awkwardly continues, "-ly asked question, the way you said it." Then he says that if China could build a great wall, we ought to be able to. Nope, not a comic book at all.
5:29 pm: Kasich accuses his opponents of having "fantasy tax plans." This is the worst genre of fantasy a person could possibly have, I don't care how many elves are involved.
5:33 pm: "We cannot elect somebody that doesn't know how to do the job," says Kasich, sniping at Trump. Trump isn't about to let that go. "I spent my entire lifetime balancing federal budgets." Trump says Kasich is responsible for ruining Lehman Brothers and the financial crisis. "You know what, you can have him," says Trump. "I wasn't on the board of Lehman Brothers," said Kasich, who still seems to be laboring under the misunderstanding that anyone cares about accuracy from these guys.
5:35 pm: Things were fun for a moment when Trump and Kasich were yelling at each other, then Ted Cruz started talking about his tax plan and it was all zzzzzzzz. Why does this guy's face always look like he's making fun of a crying baby?
5:36 pm: Carly Fiorina wants the tax code to be reduced to three pages, down from 73,000 pages. "Who's going to get it done?" she asks, then gets cut off before she can answer.
5:39 pm: Moderator points out how Rubio's skipping a ton of votes to run for president. "This country's running out of time," Rubio says. Claims that Americans "haven't had a raise in decades." They have if they are making minimum wage in Seattle, Marco!
5:40 pm: Marco says that it's media bias to point out how many votes he's missing. Democratic candidates have missed a lot of votes too, he says. Unfair! The audience roars with applause. Jeb jumps in to attack, accuses Marco of working "a French work week." Sacre bleu.
5:40 pm: There is some truly thrilling yelling going on now. They're so mad! I want them to start making out.
5:45 pm: Fiorina says HP was a "bloated bureaocracy" when she came on board. "It was a very difficult time," but saved the company, which is why I am typing this on an iHP computer and you are reading this on an hpPhone.
5:47 pm: Here is a tumblr full of images of Donald Trump with his mouth replaced by an anus, enjoy.
5:47 pm: Rubio says the Democrats was a debate between Bolsheviks and Mensheviks. Mild applause for that, as the audience is like, "WTF is a Menshevik?" (They were a group of Soviet socialists, FYI.) That was followed by more fabulous shouting and gibberish.
5:52 pm: Chris Christie: "the government has lied to you and they have stolen from you." Says there's no more money left in Social Security, and will be insolvent in 7-8 years. Whaaaaa? That's not how it works. Social Security is replenished by current workers, so it's not like it can run out of ... oh never mind.
5:52 pm: Huckabee babbling about social security. "This is a matter of morality," we must keep our promise to seniors. This is a sensible talking point, since the average age of the audience seems to be approximately 803.
5:52 pm: Commercial break. So far nobody's said anything I would call "important," but it sure is nice to see that they hate each other as much as we hate them.
6:03 pm: When Ben Carson isn't saying something crazy, he sounds like he's writing dialogue for Ben Stein to deliver in the background while Matthew Broderick is saying something more interesting to the camera.
6:07 pm: Jeb Bush: "You find a democrat that's willing to cut taxes $10, I'll give them a warm kiss." UGH SO GROSS, you can tell Jeb's the kind of guy who thinks every kiss involves tongue. Also: "warm"!!!!
6:10 pm: Marco Rubio asked why he's been so bad at managing his money. Answer: "I'm not worried about my finances, I'm worried about the finances of everyday Americans." Slick!
6:14 pm: Cruz asked what he'll do to close wage gap for women. Says someone needs to do something about single moms. Under Obama "3.7 million women have entered poverty," he says, so I'm looking forward to someone fact-checking that.
6:15 pm: Fiorina says every single policy of Democrats is bad for women. Suuuuuure.
6:17 pm: Carson asked why he served on the board of a company that offered domestic partner benefits. "Our constitution protects everybody regardless of their sexual orientation or any other aspect. I also believe marriage is between one man and one woman. There is no reason that you can't be perfectly fair to the gay community. They shouldn't automatically assume that because you believe marriage is between one man and one woman that you are a homophobe. This is how they frighten people and get them to shut up. The PC culture is destroying this nation."
6:30 pm: CNBC talking heads are asking a lot of money questions, which is their business but I can't say that Ted Cruz talking about quantitative easing makes for riveting television. I miss when they were shouting.
6:32 pm: Ben Carson hates regulations "so much." Sure, all those pesky rules about not leaving a sponge in your patient's brain when you're done operating on them.
6:34 pm: Huckabee comes out in favor of curing diabetes, heart disease, and Alzheimer's. A bold position.
6:37 pm: Ohhhhh man they're really going down the rabbit hole on tax policy. Could this get any more boring?
6:39 pm: Oh thank God: moderator changes topic: "Let's talk about marijuana."
6:40 pm: Asked about decriminalizing pot, Kasich says drugs are a disaster, especially overdoses. Okay, thank you for your nonsense gibberish Kasich.
6:41 pm: Another commercial break. Looking forward to the swimwear competition in the next segment.
6:46 pm: We have entered the swimwear portion of the evening. Trump is wearing a splendid sequined number with a flirty frilled waist. Rubio has a floral two-piece. Chris Christie is wearing an old-timey striped one-piece with sleeves and pants. Carly Fiorina is just shaking her head unhappily.
6:48 pm: Trump says that gun-free zones are "target practice for sickos and the mentally ill." Says he will reverse the gun bans at his resorts and properties.
6:51 pm: Fiorina says government shouldn't be involved in helping the economically disadvantaged with retirement plans or minimum wage, because that would benefit the wealthy. I wish she'd just stick to making mean remarks about Trump.
6:51 pm: Fiorina: Uber drivers don't need government help setting up retirement plans. (They have cars, don't they? They can just sleep in those.)
6:55 pm: Moderator question about whether government should regulate fantasy football. Chris Christie gets mad and yells "WHO CARES," which is a fun campaign slogan.
7:00 pm: Rand Paul says Medicare and Social Security are "out of money." Adds, "it's your grandparent's fault for having too many damn kids" and that there are simply too many baby boomers. His solution: raise the age of eligibility. Plan B: go back in time with a fuck ton of condoms.
7:05 pm: Jeb's microphone was accidentally shut off for a few seconds. At least, I think it was accidentally. Maybe Trump slipped the sound guy a couple million bucks.
7:08 pm: We're nearing the two-hour mark and so far nobody's taken their pants off. I declare this debate a complete failure.
7:08 pm: Kasich says we should give people "incentives" to stay healthy. Well gee whiz not having to go to the hospital seems like a nice incentive.
7:11 pm: Chris Christie says "these ideas up here are great." Yes! Curing heart disease is a great idea! The Democrats would never let that happen.
7:11 pm: Fiorina: "we need to tackle the basics to cut this government down to size."
7:13 pm: Closing statements OH THANK GOD
7:11 pm: Rand Paul: "I wan't a government so small I can barely see it." Yes! I'm in favor of anything that is comparable to Lily Tomlin in The Incredible Shrinking Woman.
7:16 pm: Carly Fiorina says we need a proven candidate who can produce results. For just a second, I thought she was about to endorse someone else.
7:17 pm: Still thinking about Lily Tomlin. Man, she's great.
7:18 pm: Trump takes credit for making CNBC shorten the debate from 3 hours to 2. Moderator says the debate was always supposed to be 2 hours.
7:21 pm: What's your favorite Lily Tomlin bit? I love Ernestine.
7:21 pm: Debate is over! The country is saved! Now it's time for everyone to cancel their CNBC trials.
